there are so very many things I could and would and should and will do, every single day, if only I could would should START and FINISH them
one tip is to somehow avoid the internet at the start of the day…
a second might be to do something which is stimulating, to you, before
the internet arrives.
somebody please remind me to
1. leave my laptop at home
2. actually go out without it.
3. read THE PHILOSOPHY OF SCHOPENHAUER and
4. listen to WOTAN’S MONOLOGUE in ACT II of DIE WALKURE by WAGNER
like daily until I finish.
seem to be happy when I do this. if only the book’d not end.
…wow… (old thoughts, but always amazing to think)
I don’t feel appreciated, or even VISIBLE (in a mom-and-dad-aren’t-there-for-me-and-it-feels-like-I-don’t-matter-(and-don’t-deserve-love, therefore” type of way
when people “like” me for something normal, average.
it feels too much like
they don’t mean what they are saying,
they don’t care,
they aren’t real,
they aren’t REALLY
SEEING/CARING about me.
I only seem to feel that it matters (and it may not even then, we shall see)
when people appreciate me for something DISTINCTIVE,
that is,
something individual, unique, DIFFERENT/WEIRD/CRAZY.
(some people might get that from being viewed as bad-boys, punks, skaters, etc…)
these thoughts were prodded by the notion that
the word “OBVI” is becoming shorthand for OBVIOUS, in a lame valleygirl speak way.
I was about to say:
“I don’t go in for these
TRENDY things” because:
see above.
which is why I can’t afford to not ask what is the best I can be doing, can’t afford to not ask what I would be doing differently if I wasn’t afraid, believed I could have or do anything, and believed that I deserved to be happy, to be loved, and was a good person, and that I mattered.
this me
is the one I must be,
not his opposite.
it’s difficult to “seem” like you are being “productive” (by NORMAL people’s standards anyway (and the hell with THOSE things)
when they are doing 1 or 2 things,
and you are doing
like 12.
in short, I think I hate it.
more to come.
that’s as polite as I’ll be at this time.
my honest lambasting of it occurred on facebook.
hm, so if I WASN’T shy and introverted and DIDN’T
“sorta avoid people”….
what WOULD be different?
“sorta avoid people” when I’m not interacting with them in the rather desperately belligerent, possibly neurotic and narcissistic way in which I DO interact with people, if that’s what it is…
you may find this funny, thinking that I am not at all introverted and shy, yes….
wait, I’m shy and introverted?!
G A E C
D C A F
E F Bb F
D# C….
know what this is, bro? here’s a hint. it involves maple syrup and a woman who’s father was a jarhead.
In a world where the thought of the day is
“Life is meaningless…. just enjoy it.”
perhaps giving to others
is indeed a nice thing.
Q:if I am capable of doing A LOT of things that I want…
then why do I
do
almost non them
day in and day out?
A:I am SIMPLY
not
in the habit of being effective.
I am simply
not trying.
this I bet is difficult for non-adhd people to understand correctly.
many of them would assume that if one is not doing something, it’s because one does not want it.
but life is far more complex than that.
long story short:let’s get the fuck going.