My Way, and I Love Myself (we all must)

I’d not have written my jazz band arrangement, nor my marching arrangements, nor my percussion pieces in the way that I have, if I cared. how can I afford to care?
I care what I want, what I want to learn, and what happens when I do things a certain way, I don’t care for being liked to the extent that I purposefully learn what others have done that have worked.
why should I? such a thought hides “strong” anger within me, strong anger and resentment.
I like to do things MY way.
I don’t need your approval, your love. I have my own.
If I’m not to your taste, well then that is fine, I’m to someones taste, and to mine.
I love myself, and some others do and will love me too, and that’s enough.

not caring about being understood, when-

when caring about being understood, indeed, when being understood, is less important than learning your craft.

I mean, think of a baby, or a child, or a creative adult or something.

a child isn’t concerned with whether anyone will care what it’s doing when it drops, say, a spoon.  it’s interested in GRAVITY and HOW IT WORKS, and the results of it’s actions, not others.


-about music, and compromising and doing things in good enough ways, rather than the HONEST kind, where “I” am EXPERIMENTING, and LEARNING what doesn’t work and WHY….

why would I care to make things allegedly easy for typical people to understand?
why not indulge my curiosity and fancy?
if I cared about that, I’d just write boring block chords instead of TRYING things, to SEE what HAPPENS.

most uncreative, simply obedient.

why be that way?

I shall not, and am not.

(this was specifically about composing, music at that, and that there have been times when I have written chords “my” way, not the conventional way, or have orchestrated things in a way that seems interesting TO ME< NOW, and not in some “accepted” way.

I mean, really, why should I care if others “approve” of what I’m doing?

the difference in fantasy and reality…

the difference in fantasy and reality…
concerns be a tad.

I just hope… that people don’t grow up, or go into something real, expecting it to be like their fantasy has been, be it a real relationship versus pornography, or actually being famous, versus what it “seems” like being famous much be like, or actually winning the lottery versus how wonderful the idea of millions of dollars “seems.”

make no mistake.
this is reality, right here, right now.
this is your mind, your feelings, your body.
get to know them good and make THEM feel and be good.
there is no “escape” to perfection.

you’re still you.
be a good you.

(there “are” exceptions; I wouldn’t want to be an a place in which I cannot concentrate versus one in which I can, nor a school full of cockroaches versus a clean one, but you get the point.)

“promotes the advancement of inferior tones”

so I just read in a Schoenberg book, on page 6, (I read such books very slowly, for when they end… the fun is gone, so of course, draw it out…)

the term

“promotes the advancement of INFERIOR TONES.”

that of course shows a bias not unbefitting classical harmony of the olden days,
a bias towards things making “sense” in the old sense, and in traditional hierarchies, sort of like gender roles, or any other system of judging people’s worth by how they compare to “some other” people, or worse, how well they “conform” to some “system.”

fyi, fuck such things.


MY POINT is the following thought, is my reaction to that quote from Schoenberg, WHICH IS:

regarding the advancement of inferior tones, or superior ones, or even the labeling of tones as superior or inferior,

on the notion whether advancing an inferior tone is some kind of bad thing unless done in a certain context…(grrr, my anger is barely beneath the surface, for many reasons…)

“That Depends,
on whether you wish to
1. submit to the system, defining yourself by it
2. work within the system, albeit a bit less subserviently than option #1
3. gradually move to change the system, or
4. DESTROY IT, or, at least,

this reminds me of a quote, I think….. no, just a saying, from some book, which said that debate on the following subject had raged since “EMMERSON.”, R.W. (off hand, don’t even know without google when he was…)
something like:
“what do artists owe society, and what does our society owe artists?

that’s not the quote, only sorta…


I’m partial to options 4 and 4a, myself.

no matter what happens to you

no matter what happens to you, no matter what you do, no matter who does or doesn’t love you-

YOURSELF happy and loved, BY YOURSELF.
nothing else will do it “instead.”

… I think it’s official

… I think it’s official, I do not like BEING in suburbia, or any other place where things shut down and feel dead any time before midnight, hopefully later.
whenever I am in a hustling bustling environment, (near ucla, or in hollywood, or calarts on a thursday night) I feel like actually doing things…
for some reason I like the sense that there are many things goin on all around, and that they will keep happening all night, long after I
1. keep going on my thing WAY longer than only one or two hours, and
2. way past when I “DO” move on to something/someplace else.
what do you suppose this is?
personally, I think I’m
1. Sensitive, and
2. Like Stimulation.
P.S. I think I DO like “sleeping” in suburbia though
p.p.s   yes, it seems I like to cozy up and concentrate on whatever I’m doing (with my computer, or paper and pens) in such places (and headphones, never forget them.  or at least Live Jazz.)

sometimes fear, others disinterest

sometimes I left fear cause me to not experience, or ask for things, which sometimes leads to me not even knowing that such things exist to be asked for or experienced.

other times I’m simply not interested in the typical way of doing them at all, or I’m not interested in things or people I deem boring, and don’t care to compromise.

sometimes the reason for lack of experience is fear
others it’s simply disinterest.

sometimes one is afraid of something;
others they simply don’t want (this version of) it.

keep these clear.

it’s always a combination, with me

it’s always a combination, with me,
why I’m different than others.

part of it is always that

2. I was/am VERY afraid of rejection (not in all ways,) and
another part is always that
1. I’m ADHD and was paying attention to DIFFERENT aspects of things, than non-adhd’ers
1a. I’m also real smart, they say. that too.

oh, and

3. sometimes I am simply far more interested in the different aspects than in the uh “normal” ones.