love, and stuff, me

man, if this love, or marriage, or whatever, thing,
happens to me, if it’s anything like that in the photos of my friends,
it’s gonna be awesome.

just imagine… people happy, people smiling…
people feeling good enough, people accepting, even loving.
nice ideas.

fuck, I cried a tear typing that.(what can I say, friends, this much isolation, for this long, self-imposed or otherwise, is just painful sometimes.) (no, always.)

life could be magical.
perhaps some time it will.
HAPPY people, a HAPPY person.
happy ME and happy her too.
just imagine.
pretty different than the loveless existence I call life, these days, and all days.

I love me.
I must say this, I must learn this.
I live my life, not someone else’s.

p.s. I got music, I got friends, I got family, I got a lot. just, ya know. it’s different.
I didn’t mean that life is always painful, but it IS so whenever I’m in the proverbial vicinity of, uh, relations and connections of a potentially sexual nature with women.

gotta reach out.
even though I’m weird, and people will reject me plenty.
gotta reach out.
I hate that.
gotta reach out.

I don’t seem to know how to have a good time unless I’m acting pretty extreme. (I mean, by OTHER AVERAGE PEOPLE’S STANDARDS, that is

I don’t seem to know how to have a good time unless I’m acting pretty extreme. (I mean, by OTHER AVERAGE PEOPLE’S STANDARDS, that is (according to MY standards, I’m totally normal, and most people are boring, so there.)

I mean when you tone it down…

it’s just no long fun.

it’s exactly the same as why

1. doing something that involves a whole lotta waiting, but only a TINY amount of actual participation/doing, is no fun, and what I really meant to say was
2. when you like things to be rather intense, but then you go and do “not intense” versions of them…. they lose ALL that makes them enjoyable at all.

when you are accustomed to dancing/drumming for 30 minutes, 2 hours,
doing so for 5 minutes is just too little.

when you are accustomed driving 70 or 80 miles an hour (I don’t drive all that fast, actually,)
driving 30 sucks…

when you are accustomed to playing drums, or doing pilates or yoga, to the point when you are sweaty and REALLLLY feeling it….
doing less is just….. lame, man. just lame.

I need people who wanna run with me and fuck shit up, so to speak
and frankly, I gots plenty of em.

lets ride.

an insane 16 page analysis of some scales, SENSEMAYA by Silvestre Revueltas, n stuff

there could be mistakes in this…:)
this all happened while I was arranging some music for a high school in Santa Barbara CA.

an EXHAUSTIVE (but not exhaustive enough) Analysis of what happens when you

take the modes of the ascending form of the Melodic Minor Scale, and ADD one more… you get an 8 note scale, which is NOT symmetrical, unlike the Diminished/Octatonic scales, which are (Whole step, half step, alternating up an octave (or Half Step, whole step)
C D Eb F F# G# A B C, or C Db Eb E F# G A Bb C.

this was ALL CAUSED by listening to and analyzing the piece
“SENSEMAYA, chant for the killing of a snake”, by SILVESTRE REVUELTAS, a so-called “Mexican-sounding” piece similar to The Rite of Spring by Igor Stravinsky. this piece (Sensemaya) influenced the soundtrack of, and was featured in the film SIN CITY.

some Sensemaya stuff..which is, WHAT, by the way?

NOTE: what I refer to as a “John Williams” scale is one of the modes (the fifth mode) of the Melodic minor scale, ascending form (c melodic minor ascending-C D Eb F G A B C), that is, G-John Williams – G A B C D Eb F G,,, it is G Mixolydian with a flat 6th.
I call it this because I first became aware of harmony based on it in the credits to the 3rd Indiana Jones film. EbM… with some BM triads in it. I heard that, rightly or not, as an Eb M scale with a Flat sixth.
later in life, when I learned of the modes of the melodic minor scale… a major scale with a b6th reminded me right away of that memory of the indiana jones credits. I am aware that it probably has another name, I could google it, but you get the point.)

Note: need a refresher on the “regular” modes? they are:
Ionian (a.k.a, the Major Scale) C D E F G A B C
Dorian C D Eb F G A Bb C
Phrygian C Db Eb F G Ab Bb C
Lydian (the Simp-sons) C D E F# G A B C
Mixolydian C D E F G A Bb C
Aeolian (a.k.a, the “natural minor scale (not to be confused with the melodic minor scale, ascending OR descending form, nor the harmonic minor scale) C D Eb F G Ab Bb C
and last but not least, a mode/scale I’ve only heard one, in EARTHQUAKE WEATHER by BECK, C Db Eb F Gb Ab Bb C.

need a refresher on the modes of the Melodic minor scale Ascending form? 

1. Melodic minor scale, ascending form C D Eb F G A B C (DESCENDING is C Bb Ab G F Eb D C, the same as Natural Minor.)(this stuff only concerns the ascending form)
2. C Db Eb F G A B C (Dorian with a Flat 2)
3. C D E F# G# A B C (Lydian with a Sharp 5)
4. LYDIAN-DOMINANT, C D E F# G A Bb C, a.k.a, Lydian and Mixolydian together. very useful, heard in Jazz and elsewhere.
5. C D E F G Ab Bb C, JOHN WILLIAMS (see above, Major w. flat 6, flat 7)
6. C D Eb F Gb Ab Bb C, natural minor with flat 5.
7. C Db Eb Fb Gb Ab Bb C, Locrian w. flat FOUR.)

phew, ok, onward:

oh yeah, I write MAJOR scales and intervals like this
M3 (MAJOR 3rd,) and minor ones like this:
m3 (minor third,) mind the ALL CAPS and not all caps.
so what are you, ANALYZING SENSEMAYA now???

E F…. is it:
Ab B F F# Ab na, it’s Ab B F G Ab B GG
Bb—— Ab—B-Nat—- C#…… (maybe B is C… can’t tell)

what the fuck KEY is this IN, though? harder to answer…
D E F G Ab Bb B or C… C#. sonofabitch, whether it’s a B or C Matters… fuck.

I think it’s C…
D E F G Ab Bb C C#… eight steps.. OOH yeah…
W h W h W W h h
if it was B, it’d be
if it was D E F G Ab Bb *Cb* C# it’d be
W h W h W h W h….
wow… new ACE idea… son of a BITHCH, dude. wow.
an 8 step scale, but NOT QUITE symmetrical… still has a weird sense, compared to 7 -step scales, but doesn’t have NEARLY the evil of actual diminished scales… it’s sorta like The Melodic Minor Ascending Modes cycle, but…. very curious, VERY DIFFICULT INDEED it is, to NOT hear these IN TERMS of the “NORMAL” scales… even for me, an advocate of the backwards bizzaro theory….

now sir, tell ME… like you do in your classes, WHAT CHORDS are in the NORMAL diminished scales, and what chords are in THIS new one?

D W, then D H
DW – D E F G Ab Bb B C# D
Dh – D Eb F F# G# A B C D

DW has
d dim
e dim, em, EM (and those two repeat all throughout, watch)
f dim
g dim, gm, GM
ab dim
bb dim, bbm, BbM
b dim
c# dim, c#m, C#M

dim on ALL,
m AND M on every other, such that they are m3s apart.

Dh has
d dim, dm, DM (same, I see…)

CHANGED SENSEMAYA version, which IS by the WAY-
D E F G Ab Bb C-Nat, C# D, right?
WE HAVE- (and this scales NOT symmetrical so you gotta do all 8)
W h W h W W h h

d dim
e dim, E AUG* (!WACK, dude!), EM no 5th, and E LYD can be implied.
f m (NOT f dim…)
g dim, gm
Ab AUG* abM no 5th and Ab LYD can be implied.
bb dim, bbm, BbM, LYD can implied as well.
c# dim, c#m, C#M

dim on the 1, 2, 4, 6, 8
AUG on the 2, 5, 7…
Maj no 5th on the 2, 5, WITH 5th on the 6, 7
m on the 3, 4, 6

I THINK moving one H or W one to the left or right are the only options, no, you can move several… oh god…
w h w h w h w h move 4th W to the left-
w h w h w w h h
if you moved 4th w to the Right, you’d have
w h w h w h h w

do the rest later.

NO, now.

there are Phrygian Implications as well, as well as still other ones, Mixo, (7 chords,) fully and half dims, flat 9s, sharp 9s, alts, both, my a plethora, dorian imps…. aeolian, and Major Flat 2, etc.

W h W h W h h W
would be

D E F G Ab Bb B-nat C-nat D, ooh boy (this shit is exciting!)
d dim
e dim, em, EM, E AUG, (E Lyd Imp.)
f dim, fm
gm, GM, (G Lyd Imp.)
ab dim, Aug AUG, AbM no 5th, (Ab Lyd Imp.)
b-nat dim

this one’s a LOT more similar to the “normal” diminished arrangement.
why?.. NO, it’s NOT…
dims on ALL 8 degrees, WRONG… NO.
dim, m, AND M on every other, m3s apart. NO.

-dims on all 8
-m on the 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8 (all except the two notes a tritone apart… fascinating.
-M on the 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (no 5th on the 4, albeit.)
TOTALLY wrong,

THIS is right:

-dims on 1, 2, 3, 5, 7.
-m on the 2, 3, 4
-M on the 2 4 6 8 (and 5 with no 5th)
-AUG on the 2, 5, 8.

amazing shit, man.

so, WHAT the fuck key is sensemaya in can you even tell?

HEHEHE fuckin awesome.
let’s try.
use this in the show, with it’s key relations:)

c#m EM AM AM (a pop song playing here… lame.)

-opening of Sensamaya… VERY hard to tell… VERY…D, F, G… Bb… C#…. response is Bb Ab (low C Nat) High C#….
B C-nat Ab B-nat Ab C B Ab strings…
F# G# F#G#G# bones, then
same thing CE and G# B

C E F# G#… wholetony, Augy, plus M7….
horns: B nat—- Bb—— D C# Cnat B—- G# A Bb…
Bb Bb Ab Ab E F F D C# C# Bb Bb Ab E C-nat C-nat???
I’m hearing, Bb C-nat C# D E F G# THERE ARE G NATS in the TIMPS though!!!! FUCK!)
RIGHT… that THAT makes it
D E F G Ab Bb C C#… which is…..
W h W h W W h h…ahhh….
Bb OHHH. it’s Bb LYDIAN DOMINANT #9 (and natural 9)

the sensemaya scale, on of it’s EIGHT iterations, that is.
I WISH I’d THOUGHT of this, it’s INGENIUS!!!

-d minor, b5, #5, m7 M7…D Aeolian b5 PLUS M7
e dim, then whole-toney with M7, (wait, what would E alt, be,
Bb C D E F G Ab, that’s E ALT (abd Bb Lydian-Dominant.)
-e ALTered Scale plus M7.
-f melodic minor ascending plus m6
-G BLues scale? hehe, b2. surprising.
-g phrygian M6, plus #4, also G Dorian 2b, plus #4
-Ab LYDIAN plus P4 (P4 AND #4)
-Bb Lydian-Dominant plus #9 (and natural 9) OR Bb Dorian #4 plus M3
-C HOLYCRAP! …C John Williams plus b9 that’s similar to the scale of the santa barbara job, is it not?
-C# Locrian b4, M6 M7 *UGLY*, na, it’s C# Lydian 2b

they appear to be VERY similar to the modes of the melodic minor scale, plus one more note.

how bout that other one?

D E F G Ab Bb B-nat C-nat D
W h W h W h h W

-d Locrian plus M6
-e alt plus P5 (it’s got a b5, #5, and b2 and #2…)
-f melodic minor ascending plus #4
-g(this too is like the show???)
g phrygian M6 plus M3. ALSO G Mixolydian b9 #9… is that like G Alt P4 P5 M6 (instead of #4, #5)
—Ab Lydian #5 plus #9 (in addition to nat-9) ALSO (both wack)
—ab Alt b5 #5 #9 M7 *wack, dude)
-Bb Lydian-Dominant plus b2 (b9) easy enough:)
-b Locrian M7 PLUS M6 (in addition to it’s m6) (b alt? no)
-C John Williams PLUS M7. ALSO CM b6 plus M7 (in addition to it’s m7)

PHEW, that took almost 3 hours/


2. g phrygian M6 plus M3. ALSO G Mixolydian b9 #9… is that like G Alt P4 P5 M6 (instead of #4, #5)
from the SECOND scale, D E F G Ab Bb B-nat C-nat D

-C HOLYCRAP! …C John Williams plus b9 that’s similar to the scale of the santa barbara job, is it not?
from the first, D E F G Ab Bb C C# D… which is…..

B or C# are the only additions to either…

so… from the SECOND, we have

G Ab Bb B-Nat, C D E F G (this one has a M3)

the FIRST is

C C# D E F G Ab Bb C… C John Williams with b2 AND NAtural 2
flat AND original 9th/2)

the SECOND scale was dorian flat 2 plus M3 ALSO, or THE SCALE OF THE SHOW, PLUS a minor 3rd also, i.e, b9 #9
this scale is ALSO C john williams plus M7

the FIRST scale is C John Williams plus m2

SO, we have

John Williams plus m2 (John Williams with a minor AND major 2)
John Williams plus M7 and (J.W. with a minor AND major 7)
Mixolydian b2 PLUS M3… (Mixolydian b9 #9)

the scale of the show AS IS, is

John Williams b2.

AS is is

AS IS is G Ab B C D Eb F G (normal, 7-step scale, jw b2)
jw+m2=G Ab A B C D Eb F G (M and m2ns)
jw+M7= G A B C D Eb F F# G
Mixo b9#9=G Ab Bb B C D E F G

G Ab B C D Eb F G (the 7-note scale)
G Ab A B C D Eb F G (8-note)
G A B C D Eb F F# G (8-note)
G Ab Bb B C D E F G (8-note)


Root, M3, P4, P5, m7

two have m3, one has M, one has BOTH
3 have b6, one has M6
one ALSO has M7

(off the root, I mean)

if you decide to use a M7, also add a M9/2nd
if you decide to use a M6, also add a minor 3rd (this is the flat nine/sharp nine one; it has a M6)
you can use a b2 with a M2…(no other changes to existing scale)

where are the chords: (oh god, sir.)

G Ab B C D Eb F G (the 7-note scale)
G Ab A B C D Eb F G (8-note)
G A B C D Eb F F# G (8-note)
G Ab Bb B C D E F G (8-note)

G Ab B C D Eb F G (the 7-note scale)
-abm, AbM
-b dim
-d dim
-f dim, fm

2. G Ab A B C D Eb F G (8-note) (this is C melodic minor ascending PLUS M6, as well)
-ab dim, abm, AbM
-a dim
-b dim, B AUG
-d dim, dm
-Eb Aug (Lyd imp)
-f dim, fm, FM

3. G A B C D Eb F F# G (8-note)
-a dim
-b dim, dm, BM, B AUG (ALL FOUR!!!!) (Lyd Imp as well)
-c dim, cm
-eb dim, EbM (no 5th, Lyd Imp,) Eb AUG
-f# dim

4. G Ab Bb B C D E F G (8-note)
-gm, GM
-ab dim, Ab AUG (Lyd Imp)
-d dim
-e dim, em, EM, E AUG (ALL FOUR), (Lyd Imp as well again)
-f dim, f m

THESE ARE THE SAME, these last two, a 4th apart.



G Ab B C D Eb F G (the 7-note scale)
G Ab A B C D Eb F G (8-note)
G A B C D Eb F F# G (8-note)
G Ab Bb B C D E F G (8-note)

John Williams b2
2. one of them is simply the one it already is plus a M2 WITH it’s m2…:)
3. don’t use the 3rd one, unless you gonna raise it’s b2 and ADD a M7, plus it’s b7)
4. TECHNICALLY the one with the b9#9 has MAJOR 6th/13th)

ALL THREE of the first ones contain Ab B Eb G, the B.D. chord.
sustain it, Ab Cb Eb G-nat… even with a Bb……..
resolve the Ab and Eb to G and D.
G B D G.

it has Ab Eb Bb, fifths, ALL MOVING DOWN to G, D< and A, a 9. enough, goodnight.

some people make me feel real stupid.

some people make me feel real stupid. (only a few)
they’re all real smart.
but (perhaps I’m off)
but I don’t think it’s because they’re smart. I think it’s….
it’s because I have deemed them to be
pompous and arrogant. yep.
they sometimes “advise” me. but the manner in which they do it somehow hurts.
I have other friends who do the same thing in a manner that does not hurt.
perhaps this says more about me than about something else.
some people trigger an old feeling of not being visible/mattering to my parents. no fault of the people triggering it.
I’m only human.

well it seems as if I have always been angry.

well it seems as if I have always been angry.
mother has said that I was an angry young child.
(hey, people other kids were dicks, what do you expect.)
I was angry some time ago, I’ve gotten less and less angry, and yet it seems I still am rather angry, even though I have steadily gotten less and less angry.
maybe not about politics, but about, the rest of the stuff (almost all of which is more pertinent than politics.)
I used to HATE myself. I really don’t, as much, now.
fucks sake, from 2005 till like, now, I was real angry. real angry.
not so much now.
and yet.
I am still pretty angry, it seems.
I teacher of mine once said, of one of my musical groups,
“you guys are all angry!”
(BoorBaar Percussion Ensemble doeth thanketh him:)
our music is angry:)
aside from when I’m sleepy…when am I NOT:
-angry, or
-highly charged and energetic (and since when is being those things bad? (it isn’t.)

I’ve seldom let myself be loved

I’ve seldom let myself be loved.
but I have connections to some people.
being understood, appreciated, even loved,
is nice.
and I don’t so much mean in the friendly way, got lots of that, it seems.
always need more of it from SELF, yes, that too.
but there’s a couple people, real few, who do or did seem to love me in a way that IS beyond just friends, and that’s nice.
such thoughts came to me when I heard this song:
track 11, FROM NOW ON.
it’s real interesting; the itunes playlist this is in says:
“How Tranquil but too easy to cry to…”
that seems to be slowly changing, it does.
instead of crying and feeling like a wounded person, (which I was,)
feeling my immense sadness and sense of loneliness,
now, unless I’m still depressed (it happens)
when I hear something like this,
I envision sharing it with some loving woman, and yet, we’d not be sad, we’d be happy with each other, in some kinda loving peaceful zen-space.
sounds like a nice thing, yes….
today it feels like the high energy me is just some kinda illusion (he’s not, not all the way,) but that there is this, very sensitive, and often quite frightened me, underneath, he is zen-like, peaceful…. introspective, occasionally going for long walks late at night, alone.
it’ll be nice to share such a thing with someone, yes.

I will say its strange being an introvert who is also ADHD and creative and such

I will say its strange being an introvert who is also ADHD and creative and such.
it seems sorta like Robin Williams, where he was doing all these antics, yet seemed very afraid, to be himself, underneath.
I sorta feel similar, somewhat… (but “some” of my ‘antics’ ARE from “down there”, some of them ARE “real”, they just have all this “stuff” “BUILT” “on” them, but their bases, they ARE from deep down, even if some of the degrees to which they have been extended have moved far beyond where they “really” come from, what they “REALLY” are.
I mean, I AM adhd, I AM creative… I DO love music, etc.
it’s not an act, even if we have tried to make “everything” conform to/be based on- it.
it feels like I am sorta afraid of intimacy, without my music and antics and hyper self, particularly the “extended” versions of it/me.
this is all okay, though.
wow, ….
dreamy, this music makes me feel.
no longer sad, just…. peace-
(track 11, From Now On)

dude, I wonder if this Caitlynn Jenner thing knocked a proverbial somethin loose

dude, I wonder if this Caitlynn Jenner thing knocked a proverbial somethin loose, today alone I learned of not one but TWO friends who are transgender. I just mean, I wonder if now is the time for people who felt like Bruce Jenner did, I wonder if it is increasingly “okay” for them to live truthfully.
power to them, yesyes.

not that I’m old, but the older I get,

not that I’m old, but the older I get, at least in this mood right here right now,
the less participation I want in normal society, for it is just so unspeakably stupid and pathetic, and no one cares. soare me all this boring ordinary stuff. I’d rather be alone with my own thoughts and knowledge, my super fun music and super fun music friends.

had UTTERLY AMAZING ideas tonight, folks.

had UTTERLY AMAZING ideas tonight, folks.
in short, in some ways, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and must stop acting like do, feeling like I should, trying to, and judging myself as If I should.

I need to be a beginner, (which in truth I am) and learn, as a small child might, for I do not yet know enough to even know what I like or what I want, when it comes to some things.

the standards of things about which I DO know what I like, and AM experienced, must NOT be used on these other, inexperienced things, any more.

well, yes, this is the way of things, then.