Freddie Freeloader make happy!

WOO!, WOW… go from feeling over-analyzing,
then
listen to some FREDDIE FREELOADER (both the original and the the jon hendricks INSANE vocal version (seriously, they took all the solos by Miles, Coltrane, Canonball and the rest and made up words to em, insane)
and POOF!
feel great, happy. if only I was a (censored!) jazz singer. no, no no. z

AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A CENSORED JAZZ SINGER?

say, that’s a good name for a band, or a song… no, definitely a band. I call dibs.
especially a punk band…

(thinking) you need help but not accepting it

in some ways, when it comes to certain things (saying “which ones” might elucidate this greatly, but I’ll get to that)

I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by
A. a buncha people whom I do not trust and whom claim to have (and seem to have) All the Answers (i.e, these people can take care of themselves and don’t seem to have any obvious maladaptions, so so speak (nice word, “maladaptions.” I just made it up:)

and

B. a buncha other people whom I DO trust, but are as lost as me.

all of my CRAZY artist friends (crazy like me) the ones who are REALLY close to me….
they have all the same challenges, more or less.

and those who are different, who really seem to have their lives in order….

when I ask these people for advice, including my life coach…
I inevitably come away hurt and self-judging, as if I won’t accept their advice, because it’s “not me” even though what “IS” me either doesn’t work, or I haven’t tired hard enough, usually the latter. which-
does give hope.

perhaps

perhaps I just need to learn to not take things too seriously when I disagree, and just let some things go,
EVEN WHEN

my defenses are down, and
I am frustrated and seeking help, and
grumble grumble.

ha ha ha, CalArts asking me for money

an email from CALARTS ASKING ME FOR MONEY!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

things to say:
1. I went to CalArts.
2. it is the coolest place on earth; I love it, with an L.
3. I love music and art and dance stuffs, and they are awesome.
4. I don’t make much money (though I know that music and art and dance are “there very own wonder and that is good enough.

Books for Christmas

coolest presents I got, as usual lately
are BOOKS.
I SAW THE WORLD END by Deryck Cooke
WAGNER’S RING AND IT’S SYMBOLS by Robert Donnington (BOTH about Wagner)
FIGHT CLUB the novel, and
DESERT TO DREAM, a big coffee table book of burningman photos, including many nudes of both varieties, both painted and not, mud covered and not, and lots of “ART” too. wonderful.
Mom and Dad, LITERATURE PEOPLE as they are, are proud. Smile.
I put the T in ENTP/INTP