I really need to stop feeling the need to make other people’s issues mine, I mean, childhood is over, that shit is gone, no need to keep doing it.
Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys. remember this.
My Circus…. MY MONKEYS! (referring to musical performers of the unusually awesome variety of course)
WOO!, WOW… go from feeling over-analyzing,
listen to some FREDDIE FREELOADER (both the original and the the jon hendricks INSANE vocal version (seriously, they took all the solos by Miles, Coltrane, Canonball and the rest and made up words to em, insane)
feel great, happy. if only I was a (censored!) jazz singer. no, no no. z
AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A CENSORED JAZZ SINGER?
say, that’s a good name for a band, or a song… no, definitely a band. I call dibs.
especially a punk band…
in some ways, when it comes to certain things (saying “which ones” might elucidate this greatly, but I’ll get to that)
I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by
A. a buncha people whom I do not trust and whom claim to have (and seem to have) All the Answers (i.e, these people can take care of themselves and don’t seem to have any obvious maladaptions, so so speak (nice word, “maladaptions.” I just made it up:)
B. a buncha other people whom I DO trust, but are as lost as me.
all of my CRAZY artist friends (crazy like me) the ones who are REALLY close to me….
they have all the same challenges, more or less.
and those who are different, who really seem to have their lives in order….
when I ask these people for advice, including my life coach…
I inevitably come away hurt and self-judging, as if I won’t accept their advice, because it’s “not me” even though what “IS” me either doesn’t work, or I haven’t tired hard enough, usually the latter. which-
does give hope.
perhaps I just need to learn to not take things too seriously when I disagree, and just let some things go,
my defenses are down, and
I am frustrated and seeking help, and
MY KIND of ADHD RESOURCE CENTER would be one that empowers people to seek high stimulation, and to achieve it, THEIR VERSION of it, whatever that may be.
not just “getting by”, not just “learning to deprive yourself of your life-force, learning to act normal and pretend you are not a magical high-energy being.
the topic “feeling fundamentally flawed and somehow Unlovable”
is of interest to me, in the ways that it manifests in me, and in others.
of course no one is really either of those things, but some people unfortunately live as if they are.
gotta… not do that:)
an email from CALARTS ASKING ME FOR MONEY!!
things to say:
1. I went to CalArts.
2. it is the coolest place on earth; I love it, with an L.
3. I love music and art and dance stuffs, and they are awesome.
4. I don’t make much money (though I know that music and art and dance are “there very own wonder and that is good enough.