Need to be Warmed up

if I’m not proverbially warmed up (Highly Stimulated, I mean)
I can’t really do much, other than attempt to become so.

like when you are hungry, or sleepy, the best thing to do is eat and sleep.

I bear this in mind.

I must bear this in mind.

it’s pretty hard to be motivated, to get moving with something, if you are simply cold and your proverbial engine has no umph or anything yet….
you must use “something” that DOES get you going…

drumming in a non lame way with people who are extreme does this, as do some other things, mostly physical…

perhaps this is why people exercise first thing?

but alas, Pilates in the morning doesn’t really do it…

something, something ELSE may… CARDIO…. a cool kind…

the kind that HOTTENS. …

African Dance in the Morning, perhaps.

this perhaps is why ROBERT WILSON (he made Einstein on the Beach) taught MOVEMENT THERAPY for Hyperactive Children, after which they COULD concentrate better on “mundane” things.

THIS is the way!

how long have we (I) known this and yet I still fail most of the time to achieve it? I am addicted to LOW GRADE STIMULATION. DOWN WITH FACEBOOK!

Some things are much better than others

Thought of the Day:
facebook is garbage, as are other things.
I played music for 5 hours today.
I have like no desire to post all manner of facebook crap.
perhaps I should do more “substantive things”, they seem more satiating.

the music I played was rhythmically insane, stimulating, and long-lasting, not to mention exhausting merely from STANDING that long… yes, I stand drumming in this group

not bothering to do things

boy, I will say that NOT BOTHERING to do things…

certainly explains why they aren’t happening.

remember this if you self-sabotage, and then one day find yourself noticing that your life seems very lacking, either by your own standards (possibly too high), and/or by comparison to others (which ain’t really something you should do…)

if kids don’t want to sit still, let them run

fucks sake, if kids don’t wanna sit still, then FUCKS’S SAKE, LET EM RUN THE FUCK AROUND for a while! SHIT!
dogs have to get walked, and they too need to run around.
why the fuck would you deny people something they need, which is ENOUGH FUCKING STIMULATION? SHEESH!

as a critical thinker

but seriously, as a critical thinker, as someone who is interested in HOW and WHY….. a majority of people just piss me off, with their
doing things that don’t make sense, and yet doing them anyway, even though they don’t make sense,
and their lack of critical thinking.
I don’t like people who aren’t thoughtful.
that said, I probably also don’t like people who think different than I, but one thing at a time.

I live for HOW and WHY

1. I like proverbial Librarians instead of clerks.
2. I want to know HOW and WHY, not just what.
can’t fathom life being as meaningful, or even meaningful at all, with the HOW and the WHY. (mother describes life without them as
very similar to being
3. A HUNTER instead of a Farmer in the THOM HARTMANN’s HUNTER/FARMER PARADIGM (look it up.)
yes, yes sir-ee

how other people treat me…

how other people treat me…. has usually seemed to be more important than I feel about myself…

that’s… a sign that all is not well, but we’re working, on it, that is.

sometimes, long long ago, I had a few relations with people.

but it seems, that it was more about amazement (that they would be nice to me, contrasting with my most negative views of myself (hey, they’re still negative, but not the way they were then, no.)

amazement that people would be nice to me.

sad that a person would ever form such negative views of oneself.

but you seem to get what you ask for.

so, let’s ask for happy stuff and let’s believe happy stuff.

this seems like The Secret. or not.
it also is something my Therapist, DOCTOR BRANDEN (the one that had a 26-year affair with Ayn Rand) said.

moody me/others confusion as usual

…imagine a young child, very sensitive, and the child’s environment is bewildering and scary, emotionally, for the child lacks an adult-understand of what everything “means.”

all manner of things that would be neutral, even enjoyable, are instead filled with fear and guilt and shame and pain.

all except for a few that feel super duper WOnderful. ADHD High Stimulation things, of course. (I seriously don’t know WHAT life would be like without such things, and I pity those who don’t have it.)

… …
how could I afford, to care about others…
when I was so busy protecting myself from this scary world full of hurtful scary people and mean kids who were just jerks…

how could I have managed to even understand that sometimes you can do things that make OTHERS feel good, even if they don’t make YOU feel good….
how could I, when I had developed a very real sense from a very young age,
that people were scary, that I felt very afraid, and that no one seemed to understand ME…
I felt alone…

I couldn’t be GIVING…
how could I have been?

I was too busy DESperately clinging to and corralling the various instances of High Stimulation things that in addition to feeling good, also were pretty much the only time I WASN’T scared, I presume. I don’t “exactly” remember how things felt 30 or more years ago. it’s like trying to use a betamax or even a vhs tape today…

perhaps I am incorrect that I am not a Giving Person (I was surrounded by people which might be called Hippies this weekend…. lovey dovey types, who seemed not to have a care in the world, they all seemed to chill, so easy going, so satisfied, so caring, so giving, so kind.

either they all had nothing to worry about, or they pretended they didn’t, or they have all made peace with themselves, or they pretend do, or they know not their own suffering (that is more likely with status quo “non” hippies it would seem.)

perhaps I hate myself, perhaps they don’t.

who knows. …

it feels like I never differentiated (“The Boundaries Thing…”)
myself from others, that I am narcissistic and self-absorbed and that
I never reach out to others just to reach out to others.

it reminds me of how Father seemed. who knows…

I wonder if I CAN develop a sense of this.
if I should. if I need to.
who knows.

I’ll have to keep being courageous in this.

who knows.