sometimes someone else does something, I compare myself unfavorably to them, and, typically have felt incredible guilt and shame (moving past that now.)
I still have thoughts though such as
“wow, I must be not a very ambitious person, then.”
or why else would I have
1. not done what they did (I didn’t want it?)
2. not done something comparably that I DO want…
though I HAVE, done things I want… they just….
never lay well with conventional notions of success or professionalism, (other people’s often seem to, other people except for my coolest craziest friends.)
the things I have done…
I wouldn’t call them successful or professional (many would argue that they are)
I guess I WOULD call them
special, unruly, unique, something most other people would NEVER do the way “I” went about them, things no one else WOULD ever do, and maybe genius, who knows.
but definitely not conventionally successful or professional.
what do you think friends,
you think I’m ever successful, professional?
this has been a presentation of the new and improved but still a ways to go
“less self-critical and less guilty and less shameful me” in response to other people I know doing things that seem real professional and successful, while I feel like I am sitting around having fun, getting older.
p.s. perhaps “fun” is all I really ever cared about.
as long as I can support myself as well, (not necessarily via the same “fun” things,)
might not be a bad thing in any sense.
it might even be the most important, more important than success or professionalism.
p.p.s you know, I have long despised the term professionalism, as if people who “are” it are fake and are stiffs? ok, enough, what do you think?