the THOUHT of the day is:
it better be worth your effort in awesomeness.
if it’s not… even if it IS, to someone else…
don’t do it.
life’s too short.
when something is for fun…
it needs to ACTUALLY
very often people do things in a manner MOST imprecise, imperfect.
when it comes to Artistic manners this is UNACCEPTABLE.
Yes, I really did just say that.
please don’t be half-assed.
don’t not care enough to figure out HOW to not be half-assed, to actually not BE half-assed.
please be awesome.
please try hard..
please be patient with thyself.
please be awesomer.
please try harder.
“perfection of the bad kind” (when you are too hard on yourself, hate yourself, and are generally negative and destructive to yourself,) never do this ever.
being so afraid of feeling guilt and shame (a very bad habit indeed) that you DON’T take even the smallest risks, and effectively self-sabotage, even in passive aggressive ways (me?!) by simply taking something I am very good at, that being procrastinating, and doing it so long, that you “self-“ sabotage the opportunity.
cannot TELL you how many times I have done this,
how many years I have known about it, and how some kind teachers who cared, almost 20 years ago, tried to shake me out of it.
it seems I still have much to learn.
THIS is an answer, yes.
fearing being liked by normal people and/or being mistook for being normal (yeah right)
because you might have to tell them you don’t want to hang with them, because they aren’t as interesting as you want, even if you HAVE no interesting people to hang with (a situation which is NEVER the case, thanks to my hundreds of cool friends (or at least a few who are TRULY that)
because then you’d have to tell them that you’d rather hang with no one, than them,
or lie, all of which are less comfortable than telling the truth, or at least avoiding hurting people’s feelings, but not by lying.
DAMMIT… breath in….
not feeling worthy of something is one thing,
not knowing how to go about it, (due in part to years spent not feeling worthy of it)
is quite another.
whereas not WANTING something, unless it’s done YOUR WAY, versus “everyone else’s”, is QUITE another yet, and of course-
simply not getting around to it, or anything,
is indeed another.
we wonder, what the dynamic between two people “should” or “could” be… regarding me being
1. a total loner
2. an introvert (or, maybe not, see below)
3. a Highly Sensitive Person
4. oh, depressed on occasions, more so in the past than now…
5. intelligent, so they tell me
6. kinda crazy
7. oh, adhd meaning my interests are super super specific and are in “intense things”, preferably over and over till I’m too tired to move or talk.
8. oh, yes, an ENTP,
etc, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, MYself, that is, here, now… let’s not.
so comfortable being alone…
do we (do I) really want to mess all this up, with the chaos that is another person…
1. (omitted cause it’s a long story)
2. not taking the chance to do something that’s High Stimulation, because you are too dehydrated/exhausted/hungry.
really mars what should be a wonderful time and memory.
hate missed opportunities.
but here’s the challenge in “just moving on.”
they aren’t all equal.
not in any sense.
the next chance to feel THAT good THAT way won’t be for a year, if that, if ever.
moving on to the next thing won’t feel anywhere near as good as that.
really rare super fun things.
never miss them.