Category Archives: CalArts (California Institute of the Arts)

so um, what ARE “new music people” doing?

so um,
may I ask,

all those
New Music People

who are playing more gigs than I,

what exactly ARE you doing?

playing a fair amount of gigs,
not getting paid all that much at all (same here)
and making your money with a combo of
teaching and “other gigs” (likely, mostly teaching)

my life may in fact not be all that bad at all.

especially if this seldom pays much at all, which, does seem the case.

I’d rather play less often, and when I do, have it be big and huge and awesome, and then nothing. or at least, in a more ideal and better organized world, BIG and HUGE AGAIN, just MORE OFTEN.

but not smaller, not practical, not smaller and less.

that doesn’t do it for me.

you want a slice of pizza, I want the whole pie.
you want a drink, I wanna party hard and be unconscious in an alley and hurt for two days.

you want a nice leisurely drive through the country on a sunday,
I wanna drive so far I wreck the car and can’t walk for a year.

well, I’ve already got this life, so, mission accomplished.

lets’ continue getting ready for the next big project, which still may take years.

if something is not going to pay…

the THOUHT of the day is:


it better be worth your effort in awesomeness.

if it’s not… even if it IS, to someone else…

don’t do it.

life’s too short.

when something is for fun…
it needs to ACTUALLY


be precise. be perfect. in the good way.

very often people do things in a manner MOST imprecise, imperfect.
when it comes to Artistic manners this is UNACCEPTABLE.

Yes, I really did just say that.

please don’t be half-assed.
don’t not care enough to figure out HOW to not be half-assed, to actually not BE half-assed.

please be awesome.
please try hard..
please be patient with thyself.
please be awesomer.
please try harder.

“perfection of the bad kind” (when you are too hard on yourself, hate yourself, and are generally negative and destructive to yourself,) never do this ever.

“Perfection of the Good Kind”
GO FORTH!bulls-eye-1044725_1920

being so afraid of feeling guilt and shame

being so afraid of feeling guilt and shame (a very bad habit indeed) that you DON’T take even the smallest risks, and effectively self-sabotage, even in passive aggressive ways (me?!) by simply taking something I am very good at, that being procrastinating, and doing it so long, that you “self-“ sabotage the opportunity.

cannot TELL you how many times I have done this,

how many years I have known about it, and how some kind teachers who cared, almost 20 years ago, tried to shake me out of it.

it seems I still have much to learn.

THIS is an answer, yes.

TAKE more risks, and  for YOUR OWN sake,
sport-1284275_1920overthink them LESS.  just MOVE.

window on anxiety, episode 1, 5 17 16

fearing being liked by normal people and/or being mistook for being normal (yeah right)
because you might have to tell them you don’t want to hang with them, because they aren’t as interesting as you want, even if you HAVE no interesting people to hang with (a situation which is NEVER the case, thanks to my hundreds of cool friends (or at least a few who are TRULY that)
because then you’d have to tell them that you’d rather hang with no one, than them,
or lie, all of which are less comfortable than telling the truth, or at least avoiding hurting people’s feelings, but not by lying.
DAMMIT… breath in….

the four challenges, in short

not feeling worthy of something is one thing,

not knowing how to go about it, (due in part to years spent not feeling worthy of it)
is quite another.

whereas not WANTING something, unless it’s done YOUR WAY, versus “everyone else’s”, is QUITE another yet, and of course-

simply not getting around to it, or anything,
is indeed another.

These are THE FOUR CHALLENGES. 3, 2, 1, and 0, in that order.chess-1215079_1920

dynamics between people, should/shouldn’t

we wonder, what the dynamic between two people “should” or “could” be… regarding me being
1. a total loner
2. an introvert (or, maybe not, see below)
3. a Highly Sensitive Person
4. oh, depressed on occasions, more so in the past than now…
5. intelligent, so they tell me
6. kinda crazy
7. oh, adhd meaning my interests are super super specific and are in “intense things”, preferably over and over till I’m too tired to move or talk.
8. oh, yes, an ENTP,
etc, but let’s not get granite-1209113_1920ahead of ourselves, MYself, that is, here, now… let’s not.

we’re, I’M,

so comfortable being alone…

do we (do I) really want to mess all this up, with the chaos that is another person…

who knows…

missed chances for high-grade high stimulation

1.  (omitted cause it’s a long story)
2. not taking the chance to do something that’s High Stimulation, because you are too dehydrated/exhausted/hungry.

really mars what should be a  wonderful time and memory.

hate missed opportunities.

but here’s the challenge in “just moving on.”

they aren’t all equal.

not in any sense.

the next chance to feel THAT good THAT way won’t be for a year, if that, if ever.

moving on to the next thing won’t feel anywhere near as good as that.

really rare super fun things.

never miss them.

one reason why “I do not do certain things”-

…there are so very many things I do not do.
but perhaps it is not because I feel unworthy, or lacking in know-how, but because I simply do not want them.


part of a series on what I currently call

“The Four Challenges” (this dealing with Challenge #1 (which is third in order, more on that later.)finger-1299243_1280

too business-like

Not everything is supposed to be run like a business.
frankly, I think that applies to most businesses as well.


Care about more than just making money.  please.


and by god, don’t define yourself in terms of how much money you make, your relationship to others, within a business, elsewhere, or to  a business.


you are an individual.  be a good one.  have  a heart.  dollar-163473_1280