has something happened to me? after DECADES of um, making plans, and not following through on them, and feeling guilt and shame because of this, comparing myself to others, incorrectly concluding that everyone else is doing better they me (you aren’t)
and eventually, giving up on making plans, because the mere THREAT of feeling the guilt and shame, was SO STRONG…. if I didn’t finish something… (so many things indeed take work for many days, and if I couldn’t finish it, that day… it is so hard for me to come back to it at all, that, well, guilt and shame ALWAYS followed.
so eventually, no plans. no doing.
so…
since monday… been happening for weeks now)
somehow…
I have been
1. working on uh, deleting crap from my computer, daily.
2. cleaning my “filthy” house, daily.
3. actually DOing things on a list, things that lead to playing more music and making money.
um,
why?
and why hasn’t it STOPPED is my question…
perhaps all these years, and therapy and my courage will pay off yet.