Category Archives: I’m a Crazy Artist

hmmm…

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

“I don’t like feeling that I am replaceable.”

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thought of the day (rather serious, this one)

“I don’t like feeling that I am replaceable.”

it seems I am also no stranger to ENTITLEMENT after all, feeling as I do, that once I have become part of something, or obtained something, that I should thereafter ALWAYS have/be part of it.

😉 GOD FORBID I’m ever dating a woman they leave me! hahahahah. not really a joke, though.

very challenging, to accept such things. I HATE being excluded from that which I want to belong to, that which I DO, or DID, belong to… why do I feel this… is it normal? I should think that my apparently extreme sensitivity to it indicates that I do not love myself enough, and that I give over the care of “little michael” (the proverbial inner-child) to inappropriate persons,

and yet… I cannot control what such persons will do… and it is true that they do NOT have my or my interests in mind AT ALL, and that this is life, and that…. curses… I’ll have to find some way to live with it… or I’ll be miserable and dependent always on the love and care of others instead of me….

ok, then…
ok.
this must be accepted, then. it hurts. it will hurt.
I suppose it shall also empower.

ouch.

ok, then…
ok.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Harmony, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Music Theory, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized, Wagner

I love “pretending” to play Beethoven

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that moment when you
1. thanks to your perfect pitch, have “ascertained” what a large majority of the pitches are in a small fragment of a Beethoven piano sonata…
2. use your wiles and said perfect pitch to “finagle” “enough” of it to
3. actually play it as an example of, say, a fully diminished vii^o of V, in a music theory class, and as a result
4. your students “actually” think you play piano….:):):)

why this tagged Wagner? cause Wagner dug Beethoven and there IS no Beethoven tag

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

always thinking about tomorrow…

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ALWAYS thinking about tomorrow (“all his life, as he looked away to the future”)
always thinking that some day, after right now, (“to the horizon”)
after right now, some OTHER day, things will be ideal, better, great, good
(“NEVER – his mind on -“)
there is no tomorrow, there is only right now
“WHERE HE WAS!… HM?! WHAT he was DOING!… Hm.”)
stop thinking that, stop preparing for that.

prepare for right now.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, Harmony, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

Music and In the Moment

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I almost feel sorry for people who can’t be in the moment enough to totally love playing and listening to wonderful (Brazilian in this case) music so much that it is life, pure joy, right now, never before, never after, always now.

ain’t necessarily an endorphins thing, though they seem to do this sometimes also.

just an in the moment thing.

and a love harmony and rhythm (or melody) thing.

Guess I’m just lucky, and man life would suck if this wasn’t enough.

me blessed.

yay music.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Philosophy, Politics, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

don’t be opportunist, STAND for things

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politicians (and everyone) shouldn’t be OPPORTUNIST. they should STAND for things and do them.
either things THEY THEMSELVES care about, and/or things that OTHERS do.
not just whatever’s popular, whatever’s gonna work.
I’m NOT sorry, but doing whatever WORKS isn’t ok. it puts you at the mercy of meaningless bullshit, and that is UNfuckinacceptable.
and by the WAY; I mean this ARTISTICALLY, and in ALL MANNER OF WAYS, not just politics, not even specifically politics.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Philosophy, Politics, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized, Wagner

WHAT others appreciate about you

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trying to control WHAT others appreciate about you is one thing.

but believing that you don’t deserve appreciation simply for normal human qualities is QUITE another, particularly if it causes to try to control what others appreciate about you.

it might even lead you to not present yourself for a great many experiences, because you think that all you have to offer is being abnormal, extreme, crazy, weird, special, different. (it’s not like people didn’t make me feel guilty for being normal as a child, nor appreciate me only when I was special and different (they did, and they did, nor is it like many of my interests genuinely were and ARE in things that are less common and normal than some.)

…

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

starting things isn’t all that easy.

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starting things isn’t all that easy.
finishing them doesn’t seem to take commitment, what it takes is giving enough of a fuck about them instead of ten or a million other “equally as interesting if not more so” things that you also could start.
for after all…
I want what you want…
…
I want
Everything.

CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

Happiness. enough, I may indeed have.

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I make some money this month (less than required, but more than usual by plenty. (July’s always like this.)
It has occurred to me,
if I had sorta enough money, not millions, just thousands)
and was playing some music,
that would be enough to be happy.
should it not be.
it is.
and I gots and have always had the music, lucky me.
guess things really ain’t that bad then:)
thank everyone for my nifty education, in the normal stuff (I went to a good high school, though I may not have appreciated it then (Irondequoit:)
and
learned nifty music stuff at Hochstein school in downtown Rochester,
and at SUNY Potsdam Crane School And and
Cadets Drum Corps
and at the Boat (long story)
and hanging around Eastman school
and CalArts.
and in life.
me happy.