Category Archives: I’m a Crazy Artist

hmmm…

appreciation for uniqueness/norms don’t cut it

…wow… (old thoughts, but always amazing to think)

I don’t feel appreciated, or even VISIBLE (in a mom-and-dad-aren’t-there-for-me-and-it-feels-like-I-don’t-matter-(and-don’t-deserve-love, therefore” type of way

when people “like” me for something normal, average.

it feels too much like

they don’t mean what they are saying,
they don’t care,
they aren’t real,
they aren’t REALLY
SEEING/CARING about me.

I only seem to feel that it matters (and it may not even then, we shall see)
when people appreciate me for something DISTINCTIVE,
that is,

something individual, unique, DIFFERENT/WEIRD/CRAZY.

(some people might get that from being viewed as bad-boys, punks, skaters, etc…)

these thoughts were prodded by the notion that

the word “OBVI” is becoming shorthand for OBVIOUS, in a lame valleygirl speak way.

I was about to say:

“I don’t go in for these
TRENDY things” because:

see above.

ask of oneself

which is why I can’t afford to not ask what is the best I can be doing, can’t afford to not ask what I would be doing differently if I wasn’t afraid, believed I could have or do anything, and believed that I deserved to be happy, to be loved, and was a good person, and that I mattered.
this me
is the one I must be,
not his opposite.

Q:if I am capable of doing A LOT of things

Q:if I am capable of doing A LOT of things that I want…
then why do I
do
almost non them
day in and day out?
A:I am SIMPLY
not
in the habit of being effective.
I am simply
not trying.
this I bet is difficult for non-adhd people to understand correctly.
many of them would assume that if one is not doing something, it’s because one does not want it.
but life is far more complex than that.
long story short:let’s get the fuck going.

I never seem to even know HOW to

I never seem to even know HOW to pursue what I want…
especially when people attempt to inform me but “the way in which they
a. tell me
b. suggest that I go about it
are antithetical to “what “I” would do.
really gotta try again and do what “I” would do, and live with it.
only then shall I fail and succeed.

tail end of a conversation bout music.

tail end of a conversation bout music.
most things don’t “do it” for me… NO, wait, most things don’t do it for me IN THE WAY THAT I WANT at the moment, that is, in the way that SAID THINGS DO do it for me. I like proverbial cocaine. thatis, High Stimulation.
something fun once, is fun a million times too.
hence
African Music
and Minimalism.
And Brazilian Music.
and any (boorbaar) combination of these.

Capitalism’s Downward Pressure to be mediocre

Still haven’t heard how the Ayn Rand camp defends the fact that capitalism has a downward pressure to produce as little as possible and sell it for the most.
these clowns have to admit at some point that this results in making garbage and presenting it as treasure, the very thing that they accuse socialists of, yes?

“enshrining mediocrity.”

isn’t that what capitalism and oligarchy are doing?

why else is pop music these days nothing but commercial GARBAGE?
ain’t apologizin, eat it. guess I’m old now.
no, I ain’t old, I’m educated and have good bloody taste. never liked most pop music. only reason I liked James Brown (and really, is that pop music? was it ever?) is cause I happen to dig the rhythms and the harmonies and the fact that they repeat a lot. it’s happenstance. if they weren’t as they are, I’d pass over James Brown, as I do a lotta funk that doesn’t have “certain” chords and “certain” rhythmic feels and “isn’t repetitive such that it pulls me in and I want more and more of it.”
still haven’t heard from the Ayn Rand Camp where they get off thinking that capitalism doesn’t unnecessarily (at this point in history) encourage
Willful STINGINESS. rather than actually thinking and actually caring and actually deciding WHAT CONSTITUTES a GOOD JOB at something, a thing WORTH doing.
not just DOING It, regardless of it’s meaning and place in the general scheme of things, if it has one at all.
SEE? I HAVE LEADERSHIP SKILLS!!! hahahaha (this is a joke, but it isn’t)

“James Brown is God.” no joke. not god, just awesome. hows that for a disclaimer.