hmmm…
HERE”””’s an idea.
acting like there’s an urgent deadline even when there’s not.
no small challenge for me.
I was always amazed by the behavior of goody-tw-shoes kids who did their homework friday afternoon, rather than sunday night…
perhaps I should try it though….
this whole “oh, bedtime tonight is at 2:20am, and it’s only 9 now, so we can put off anything important for several hours, but then we never get to it” thing is… well, less than productive I do say.
-recognizing when other peoples’s behavior is not a reflection on you at all, is important.
for parents, in various situations, perhaps cultures…
you can that stop imposing your will on others, for how they behave, their instincts, their interests, their modes of expression, are not in fact an expression of much of anything to do with you, but of them.
I find it alarming (though experience of those close to me) that persons should feel guilty through letting others define them.
fucks sake, the hell with the system, and persons your age, define your damn self.
we really ought to teach kids this, instead of what happened to me.
! is “The Redemption Motif”
NOT
the LAST ONE, in Gotterdammerung, in The Ring?
though I’ve always considered that penultimate “IV iv”
DURING said motif, seconds from the end, to be just that, a IV, to a iv, (to the I of course soon)
is it not in fact one of those insidious ring-related motifs, perchance that of
“The Power of The Ring”????
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/sFNjE9fapuM/maxresdefault.jpg
…it’s possible that I am AFRAID of the feeling of boredom, (whatever that means to me.)
I might be afraid to commit (to anything) due to this, including to things that I want, or wanted, or might want, or want in part, at some time.
you might think this is incredibly infantile, and it might indeed be, if it were you, but it’s an integral part of being adhd, for me, I say.
but then yet again,
it might just be a fear that if you lose interest in something, that THAT isn’t ok, and then you’d feel guilty about THAT, and not guilty that you lost interest, but that you didn’t DESERE to lose interest.
…
I really should keep going with this
“I am a good person just because, and I deserve to be normal and human” thing, without qualification…
one minute I’m telling a friend not to let others define him or her, and the next day, my therapist is showing me that I let others define me.
THAT’s me,
1. driving down to WAGNER, (made that up actually, today it was driving down to a phone conversation)
2. listening to JAMES BROWN
3. reading a book about harmony by SCHOENBERG, and
4. going to AFRICAN DRUM class soon.
likely coming home to
5. JAZZ tonight.
as far as my “not liking being part of things that are average or normal or otherwise less-than-interesting”
it’s not true when my senses DO deem them stimulating, interesting, etc.
like that vid there. funfun. notes. endorphins.
ENERGY USAGE.
I WANT THIS.
holding teachers accountable for their students’ test scores makes as much sense as holding me a music teacher accountable for
1. if any of my students have a not-very-good sense of time (teaching that is sometimes impossible, depending.)
2. if they decided not to practice what I tell them to each and every single lesson for years on end.
3. similar to 1, but their talent as well.
you can’t come to me, or to any teacher, and expect them to work magic.
you have to do the work and do a great deal of it for a long time.
aren’t going to?
it’s YOUR FAULT.
so if my life WASN’T about coping with feeling unhappy, because I WASN’T unhappy…
would I do something different?
wonder what…
I got ideas, yo
wanting to appease/be like by/approved of
normal people…
the same ones that rejected me for being different…
…
…
…
is a subject of strong emotions for me.
I have long long had a rebellious “fuck you” attitude toward it/them.
and possibly also a sense of rejection and sadness, as if my family kicked me out when I was a baby, for being me (they didn’t.)
conclusion:
screw ’em.
there might be more to say, later, perhaps.