Category Archives: CalArts (California Institute of the Arts)

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

appreciation for uniqueness/norms don’t cut it

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…wow… (old thoughts, but always amazing to think)

I don’t feel appreciated, or even VISIBLE (in a mom-and-dad-aren’t-there-for-me-and-it-feels-like-I-don’t-matter-(and-don’t-deserve-love, therefore” type of way

when people “like” me for something normal, average.

it feels too much like

they don’t mean what they are saying,
they don’t care,
they aren’t real,
they aren’t REALLY
SEEING/CARING about me.

I only seem to feel that it matters (and it may not even then, we shall see)
when people appreciate me for something DISTINCTIVE,
that is,

something individual, unique, DIFFERENT/WEIRD/CRAZY.

(some people might get that from being viewed as bad-boys, punks, skaters, etc…)

these thoughts were prodded by the notion that

the word “OBVI” is becoming shorthand for OBVIOUS, in a lame valleygirl speak way.

I was about to say:

“I don’t go in for these
TRENDY things” because:

see above.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

ask of oneself

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which is why I can’t afford to not ask what is the best I can be doing, can’t afford to not ask what I would be doing differently if I wasn’t afraid, believed I could have or do anything, and believed that I deserved to be happy, to be loved, and was a good person, and that I mattered.
this me
is the one I must be,
not his opposite.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

Q:if I am capable of doing A LOT of things

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Q:if I am capable of doing A LOT of things that I want…
then why do I
do
almost non them
day in and day out?
A:I am SIMPLY
not
in the habit of being effective.
I am simply
not trying.
this I bet is difficult for non-adhd people to understand correctly.
many of them would assume that if one is not doing something, it’s because one does not want it.
but life is far more complex than that.
long story short:let’s get the fuck going.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

I never seem to even know HOW to

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I never seem to even know HOW to pursue what I want…
especially when people attempt to inform me but “the way in which they
a. tell me
b. suggest that I go about it
are antithetical to “what “I” would do.
really gotta try again and do what “I” would do, and live with it.
only then shall I fail and succeed.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

tail end of a conversation bout music.

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tail end of a conversation bout music.
most things don’t “do it” for me… NO, wait, most things don’t do it for me IN THE WAY THAT I WANT at the moment, that is, in the way that SAID THINGS DO do it for me. I like proverbial cocaine. thatis, High Stimulation.
something fun once, is fun a million times too.
hence
African Music
and Minimalism.
And Brazilian Music.
and any (boorbaar) combination of these.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

unpaid gigs are better in ways that matter

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… I don’t suppose “UNPAID GIGS” were always a lot cooler in all ways other than money, than PAID GIGS.
but it seems that the model these days is
-teach people to think that chicken-feed is in fact the greatest meal on earth
-pay the poorest people on the planet (children in 3rd world countries, it seems) as little as possible to make the thing, as cheaply as possible.
-sell the stuff for a shit ton of money to said “dumbed-down people who don’t know better”
-completely ignore anything cultural, historic, intellectual, feeling, human, ANYTHING other than this, reducing people who DO care about
anything other than money
pushing those of us who DO care
too desperation in the process.
man, corporations, if all you care about is money
that is a sad fuckin state of affairs man.
I want no part of your jive-ass garbage machine.
go to hell.
I stick with my unpaid but human and communal and enjoyable and life-affirming gigs.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Philosophy, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

you know, I really do know A LOT of people

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you know, I really do know
A LOT of
people, and a high percentage of them are super cool.
this could be and (who shallst I kid)
already HAS been VERY USEFUL.
there are always, for lucky me,
kind folks abounding, to advise, and to play music, and offer kind words, and most excellently to
BE in FUN AWESOME MUSICAL PROJECTS.
hell with all that NORMAL shit that we sometimes have to do for money,
that ain’t the spice or MEANINGFUL stuff in life.
thank thee

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Music Theory, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

grinding process musical composition thoughts….

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shapes, musical shapes… of pieces…. hmmm….

is it event-based….

is it minimalist…

or is it minimalist-TEXTured, with events nonetheless….

which kinda….

maybe reduces if not defeats, the purpose of it not being full-blown minimalist….

so many questions…

and perhaps none of them matter…

“if it sounds good to you, it’s bichen.”

-frank zappa

but is it sounding good to you the ONLY thing that matters….

grr…..