has something happened to me? after DECADES of um, making plans, and not following through on them, and feeling guilt and shame because of this, comparing myself to others, incorrectly concluding that everyone else is doing better they me (you aren’t)
and eventually, giving up on making plans, because the mere THREAT of feeling the guilt and shame, was SO STRONG…. if I didn’t finish something… (so many things indeed take work for many days, and if I couldn’t finish it, that day… it is so hard for me to come back to it at all, that, well, guilt and shame ALWAYS followed.
so eventually, no plans. no doing.
so…
since monday… been happening for weeks now)
somehow…
I have been
1. working on uh, deleting crap from my computer, daily.
2. cleaning my “filthy” house, daily.
3. actually DOing things on a list, things that lead to playing more music and making money.
um,
why?
and why hasn’t it STOPPED is my question…
perhaps all these years, and therapy and my courage will pay off yet.
why are there “certain places” that I actually DO feel like concentrating in… and others I do not AT ALL?
(and why are most of them MANY MILES from my house?)
and why, at present, do they include
coffeehouses that are:
1. well-lit
2. open late
3. with LOW CEILINGS…..(figure that one out)
4. somewhat near to a downtown-like area, where there a sense that something “fun” is happening in said area “later tonight” and
5. full of BOOKiSH people STUDYING…
why does this conduce (nice) me to actually want to be productive???
man, if pop (or rock) music just had a funk-beat, and slightly jazzier harmony, I wouldn’t CARE about the (mundane is probably the word) stuff they are singing about, or even the sounds they are using, or the repetitiveness of it,
JUST LIKE how
I don’t particularly care about the LYRICS to funk or James Brown tunes, or the fact that they ARE repetitive-as-hell.
man, just use less boring harmony, and use a phat frikkin beat. damn you.
it occurred to me today…
if I lived in NYC instead of here in LA…
would I be more stimulated?
with more cool things to do in more places, at LATE hours???
possibly.
but it’s cold.
and access to the ocean… I bet isn’t as easy, or as often.
this rapid fire exchange between me and myself, about, well, a LONG list of things I want to do…. I was writing and writing more and more things and details, when I suddenly STOPPED…. hammer ti-nooo. I stopped and asked these questions.
p.s. “the ZEITGEIST question” is defined as follows:
it concerns whether I am doing whatever it is that I do, the way I do,
to be the most effective in conventional ways, like most people, basically, conforming, compromising, OR:
for myself, for my ego, for stimulation, and accepting the results.
an example follows at the end:
“wait000. HOW do you want to go ABOUT doing these things though> and how does THAT differ than how others would….
and…. how or why is that important?
are you trying to do something that is the most likely to be successful, ORRRR, are you trying to do something that is in line with YOUR OPINIONS about how YOU would/are doing/do it???
the zeitgeist question, ah yes.
well?
debate, between me and myself:
why should I do it the average/typical way?
I think my way might work BETTER.
when I do it the average way, I don’t UNDERSTAND the results. it doesn’t make any SENSE to me, I don’t AGREE WITH what the data MEANS………
people SAY “this person assumed this, when you did that.”
how do they know, I don’t think they SHOULD assume it, and my BELIGERRANTNESS seeks to UPEND it and CALL THEM OUT, saying WHY would you assume that, you SHOULDN”T.
is this about you, sir?
is it?
yes.
we are wrestling, having a TUSSLE, aboutst the zeitgeist question yes.
i this about about doing what other people think works,
or about doing what I think would work?doing what I think works (as I’m typing this, I’m getting REAL HAPPY< as the cool (low A and LOW D part of DEEP IN A DRUM comes onOOH yeah…)
THAT”S what I want.
so, it’s about EGO, sir.
I’ma LEADER!!! HAHAHA! I’m more happy to you egotistical bastard! HAHAHAHA!!!””
now for an example of the Zeitgeit Question:
I could learn to do and say what others do, say, in dating, or job searching, or interacting, or people-pleasing or networking, or dressing, etc. because people JUST DO, or because I am genuinely afraid (I’m not. at all.) that “something terrible and humiliating” will happen if I dare not fit in (it won’t, and I feel sorry for people who think so. even if I DO get excluded from things because of my honesty and not giving a fuck.
in the words of Groucho Marx, when, after having been excluded from a country club BECAUSE THEY WERE JEWISH, later, when they because famous movie stars, they were invited to said club, Groucho is reported to have told them, on behalf of The Marx Brothers:
“I wouldn’t want to be in any club that would accept me as a member.”
i.e, fuck off with yas, we don’t need you.
AHEM< I was attempting to give an example of The Zeitgeist Question in action, here it is:
I could learn to do and say what others do, say, in dating, or job searching, or interacting, or people-pleasing or networking, or dressing, etc. because people JUST DO.
or I could do those things in ways that make ME feel good RIGHT AWAY, refusing to play the game, (why would I want to be accepted, if I have to be someone else to become accepted? pardon me but I’d rather starve.)
sorry, but can’t think too well right now, gotta go eat.
if this is such a bad idea, then why do people admire me for it?
cause I’m a LEADER, bitches.
onthefuck ward!
fuckin A, just START something and KEEP FUCKING GOING!!!
