hmmm…
Thought of the Day:
facebook is garbage, as are other things.
I played music for 5 hours today.
I have like no desire to post all manner of facebook crap.
perhaps I should do more “substantive things”, they seem more satiating.
the music I played was rhythmically insane, stimulating, and long-lasting, not to mention exhausting merely from STANDING that long… yes, I stand drumming in this group
boy, I will say that NOT BOTHERING to do things…
certainly explains why they aren’t happening.
remember this if you self-sabotage, and then one day find yourself noticing that your life seems very lacking, either by your own standards (possibly too high), and/or by comparison to others (which ain’t really something you should do…)
fucks sake, if kids don’t wanna sit still, then FUCKS’S SAKE, LET EM RUN THE FUCK AROUND for a while! SHIT!
dogs have to get walked, and they too need to run around.
why the fuck would you deny people something they need, which is ENOUGH FUCKING STIMULATION? SHEESH!
but seriously, as a critical thinker, as someone who is interested in HOW and WHY….. a majority of people just piss me off, with their
doing things that don’t make sense, and yet doing them anyway, even though they don’t make sense,
and their lack of critical thinking.
I don’t like people who aren’t thoughtful.
that said, I probably also don’t like people who think different than I, but one thing at a time.
1. I like proverbial Librarians instead of clerks.
2. I want to know HOW and WHY, not just what.
can’t fathom life being as meaningful, or even meaningful at all, with the HOW and the WHY. (mother describes life without them as
incomplete.”)
very similar to being
3. A HUNTER instead of a Farmer in the THOM HARTMANN’s HUNTER/FARMER PARADIGM (look it up.)
yes, yes sir-ee
how other people treat me…. has usually seemed to be more important than I feel about myself…
that’s… a sign that all is not well, but we’re working, on it, that is.
sometimes, long long ago, I had a few relations with people.
but it seems, that it was more about amazement (that they would be nice to me, contrasting with my most negative views of myself (hey, they’re still negative, but not the way they were then, no.)
amazement that people would be nice to me.
sad that a person would ever form such negative views of oneself.
but you seem to get what you ask for.
so, let’s ask for happy stuff and let’s believe happy stuff.
this seems like The Secret. or not.
it also is something my Therapist, DOCTOR BRANDEN (the one that had a 26-year affair with Ayn Rand) said.
I met at least two, maybe three people last weekend that I might wish to hear my music if they can.
here some of it is:
…imagine a young child, very sensitive, and the child’s environment is bewildering and scary, emotionally, for the child lacks an adult-understand of what everything “means.”
all manner of things that would be neutral, even enjoyable, are instead filled with fear and guilt and shame and pain.
all except for a few that feel super duper WOnderful. ADHD High Stimulation things, of course. (I seriously don’t know WHAT life would be like without such things, and I pity those who don’t have it.)
… …
how could I afford, to care about others…
when I was so busy protecting myself from this scary world full of hurtful scary people and mean kids who were just jerks…
how could I have managed to even understand that sometimes you can do things that make OTHERS feel good, even if they don’t make YOU feel good….
how could I, when I had developed a very real sense from a very young age,
that people were scary, that I felt very afraid, and that no one seemed to understand ME…
I felt alone…
I couldn’t be GIVING…
how could I have been?
I was too busy DESperately clinging to and corralling the various instances of High Stimulation things that in addition to feeling good, also were pretty much the only time I WASN’T scared, I presume. I don’t “exactly” remember how things felt 30 or more years ago. it’s like trying to use a betamax or even a vhs tape today…
perhaps I am incorrect that I am not a Giving Person (I was surrounded by people which might be called Hippies this weekend…. lovey dovey types, who seemed not to have a care in the world, they all seemed to chill, so easy going, so satisfied, so caring, so giving, so kind.
either they all had nothing to worry about, or they pretended they didn’t, or they have all made peace with themselves, or they pretend do, or they know not their own suffering (that is more likely with status quo “non” hippies it would seem.)
perhaps I hate myself, perhaps they don’t.
who knows. …
it feels like I never differentiated (“The Boundaries Thing…”)
myself from others, that I am narcissistic and self-absorbed and that
I never reach out to others just to reach out to others.
it reminds me of how Father seemed. who knows…
I wonder if I CAN develop a sense of this.
if I should. if I need to.
who knows.
I’ll have to keep being courageous in this.
who knows.
there are so very many things I could and would and should and will do, every single day, if only I could would should START and FINISH them
one tip is to somehow avoid the internet at the start of the day…
a second might be to do something which is stimulating, to you, before
the internet arrives.
somebody please remind me to
1. leave my laptop at home
2. actually go out without it.
3. read THE PHILOSOPHY OF SCHOPENHAUER and
4. listen to WOTAN’S MONOLOGUE in ACT II of DIE WALKURE by WAGNER
like daily until I finish.
seem to be happy when I do this. if only the book’d not end.