has something happened to me? after DECADES of um, making plans, and not following through on them, and feeling guilt and shame because of this, comparing myself to others, incorrectly concluding that everyone else is doing better they me (you aren’t)
and eventually, giving up on making plans, because the mere THREAT of feeling the guilt and shame, was SO STRONG…. if I didn’t finish something… (so many things indeed take work for many days, and if I couldn’t finish it, that day… it is so hard for me to come back to it at all, that, well, guilt and shame ALWAYS followed.
so eventually, no plans. no doing.
so…
since monday… been happening for weeks now)
somehow…
I have been
1. working on uh, deleting crap from my computer, daily.
2. cleaning my “filthy” house, daily.
3. actually DOing things on a list, things that lead to playing more music and making money.
um,
why?
and why hasn’t it STOPPED is my question…
perhaps all these years, and therapy and my courage will pay off yet.
why are there “certain places” that I actually DO feel like concentrating in… and others I do not AT ALL?
(and why are most of them MANY MILES from my house?)
and why, at present, do they include
coffeehouses that are:
1. well-lit
2. open late
3. with LOW CEILINGS…..(figure that one out)
4. somewhat near to a downtown-like area, where there a sense that something “fun” is happening in said area “later tonight” and
5. full of BOOKiSH people STUDYING…
why does this conduce (nice) me to actually want to be productive???
this rapid fire exchange between me and myself, about, well, a LONG list of things I want to do…. I was writing and writing more and more things and details, when I suddenly STOPPED…. hammer ti-nooo. I stopped and asked these questions.
p.s. “the ZEITGEIST question” is defined as follows:
it concerns whether I am doing whatever it is that I do, the way I do,
to be the most effective in conventional ways, like most people, basically, conforming, compromising, OR:
for myself, for my ego, for stimulation, and accepting the results.
an example follows at the end:
“wait000. HOW do you want to go ABOUT doing these things though> and how does THAT differ than how others would….
and…. how or why is that important?
are you trying to do something that is the most likely to be successful, ORRRR, are you trying to do something that is in line with YOUR OPINIONS about how YOU would/are doing/do it???
the zeitgeist question, ah yes.
well?
debate, between me and myself:
why should I do it the average/typical way?
I think my way might work BETTER.
when I do it the average way, I don’t UNDERSTAND the results. it doesn’t make any SENSE to me, I don’t AGREE WITH what the data MEANS………
people SAY “this person assumed this, when you did that.”
how do they know, I don’t think they SHOULD assume it, and my BELIGERRANTNESS seeks to UPEND it and CALL THEM OUT, saying WHY would you assume that, you SHOULDN”T.
is this about you, sir?
is it?
yes.
we are wrestling, having a TUSSLE, aboutst the zeitgeist question yes.
i this about about doing what other people think works,
or about doing what I think would work?doing what I think works (as I’m typing this, I’m getting REAL HAPPY< as the cool (low A and LOW D part of DEEP IN A DRUM comes onOOH yeah…)
THAT”S what I want.
so, it’s about EGO, sir.
I’ma LEADER!!! HAHAHA! I’m more happy to you egotistical bastard! HAHAHAHA!!!””
now for an example of the Zeitgeit Question:
I could learn to do and say what others do, say, in dating, or job searching, or interacting, or people-pleasing or networking, or dressing, etc. because people JUST DO, or because I am genuinely afraid (I’m not. at all.) that “something terrible and humiliating” will happen if I dare not fit in (it won’t, and I feel sorry for people who think so. even if I DO get excluded from things because of my honesty and not giving a fuck.
in the words of Groucho Marx, when, after having been excluded from a country club BECAUSE THEY WERE JEWISH, later, when they because famous movie stars, they were invited to said club, Groucho is reported to have told them, on behalf of The Marx Brothers:
“I wouldn’t want to be in any club that would accept me as a member.”
i.e, fuck off with yas, we don’t need you.
AHEM< I was attempting to give an example of The Zeitgeist Question in action, here it is:
I could learn to do and say what others do, say, in dating, or job searching, or interacting, or people-pleasing or networking, or dressing, etc. because people JUST DO.
or I could do those things in ways that make ME feel good RIGHT AWAY, refusing to play the game, (why would I want to be accepted, if I have to be someone else to become accepted? pardon me but I’d rather starve.)
sorry, but can’t think too well right now, gotta go eat.
if this is such a bad idea, then why do people admire me for it?
cause I’m a LEADER, bitches.
onthefuck ward!
fuckin A, just START something and KEEP FUCKING GOING!!!
the frequency A 440, ANY of them, really, has EXISTED, um, perhaps forever or somethin, LONG before
WE HUMANS IN THE WEST
gave it a NAME and a NUMBER.
it’s a SOUND, or vibration or whatever, and it predates ONE CULTURE’S measurements and things by very far.
it existed, and exists, whether WE or ANYONE gives it a LABEL or NOT. it just IS.
how bout that.
seriously, think about that, so often we feel like if mommy or daddy doesn’t notice us, (rightly so, in that case,) that we don’t exist, so to speak.
but as we grow older, surely (not always) we must learn things such as
our feelings, existence, etc, ARE Valid, THEMSELVES< with OR without validation from others, in the form of facebook likes, or something similar, fame, etc.
we are not defined in terms of others. to define ourselves that way….seriously, just don’t do it.
friends’ comments on this were as follows:
me: it’s the same with rhythms. grid or no grid (16th notes and such I mean.) they exist independent of this, like Swing. and some African rhythms, some of em are “kinda crazy” if you think of them in a strict western grid sense. some of em’s on the in between.
friend 1:
” There is a current math problem that asks whether numbers exist whether or not humans are there to think about them. Are numbers a part of the physical world or are they a human construct? It’s an interesting question and there are many different schools of thought in the issue. What you said about frequencies reminded me of it.”
me:
” reminds me of The Matrix (3rd Film, Revolutions.) they ask the same questions of LOVE, whether it is a Human Emotion, or a word.
I tend towards the “I exist whether I am visible to/approved of by others, or not” school of thought myself.
I mean, nevermind hollywood, and the Society of the Spectacle (a book by GUY DEBORD.)
and fuck the Space Monkeys and others like them in FIGHT CLUB.
it’s not about being part of groups. we’re OURSELVES, first. and last.”
friend 2:
“My question that correlates to your statement is: Are we creating music or discovering music? One answer leads to us as the creator of the music experience. Another answer leads to someone or something creating the foundation for discovering music. If you look to the harmonic sequence and the evolution of music from chant to today you can see the pattern of consonance (early chant 8th, 5ths, and 4ths, to harmony (classical Maj 3rds min 3rds) to dissonance (chromaticism) progressing through time to eventual inclusion of all intervals based on the harmonic sequence. Are we creating or discovering? Have fun with this Mike.”
friend 3:
“duuude yes. for some years now I’ve been thinking about writing music as a form of discovery rather than creation. and i am especially inclined to believe this is the case because of those moments when i get a really great melody rhythm or progression and i wasnt even trying. it’s almost accidental. and the process of developing musical skills is similar to developing ones abilities to detect things in the environment. you add to your skill set so that you can find music more efficiently. thats my is my hypothesis.”
friend 4:
“Well the “sound” part only takes place in our heads, and doesn’t really exist outside that moment of experience, but yea, 440 probably only exists because that was the most affordable amount of pipe to make an A on an organ or something.”
well, I will say, being increasingly liberated from guilt and shame, such that I am allowed to “make mistakes”, and to keep going, and to not feel incredibly guilty, basically, to be human, is real nice.
