Today I asked someone trusted, the question of the week:
“Why is it that so very often, what normal/other/average/many people consider to be a reasonable way of doing things… is so VERY “out of phase” with how I would do them?
this has troubled me for DECADES.
Their answer?
“Because you are a Leader.”
speechless.
very nice indeed.
this is tagged almost EVERYTHING, cause it IS almost everything.
ok so seriously, I know this is probably weird to say, yes, but I honestly wonder why people bother being together, sometimes.
I find most people quite uncomfortable, compared to me myself and I.
there seem to be a lotta people I just sorta don’t like.
or. hm…
and yeah, sex is cool,
but companionship, man, I don’t usually find activities involving other people comparable to the ones I do alone. not sexual ones, but other ones.
unless said activities ARE the ones I also do alone.
so who the fuck knows.
today a friend said something about how some people, face trauma in their childhood (not always the horrible kind,)
and SOME people put it behind them and just focus on being successful or whatever, and yet after a while, they end up very unhappy. (presumably because they didn’t face their demons (or whatever you shall call them) and DEAL with them, they didn’t underSTAND them, themselves.)
whereas OTHERS (like me, like us, artist friends)
may be unhappy earlier, and now, but in truth ARE very happy in our artist ways, and ARE trying to FACE the truths, to UNDERSTAND them, and to BE AUTHENTIC rather than just go through the motions.
and as any music teacher (or athletic trainer, or parent, or anyone worth a damn really) can tell you,
this takes time.
rome was not built in a day,
and
one doesn’t learn music in just a few short weeks or even years.
when you DO get “there” though, wherever THERE is,
you got their KNOWINGLY, with AUTHENTICITY, INTEGRITY and UNDERSTANDING.
to do otherwise would be like knowing how to IMITATE a language but not speak it.
of limited use.
do it the real way.
and this takes longer.
so…
it seems like I’m indeed on the right path after all,
and that comparing myself to others is never good, and
that I deserve far more Self-Compassion.
right, then.
I seem to always expect women NOT to like men (thanks mom and dad.)
I create a false sense of peace believing that THIS is why I am alone (it’s not.)
then when I see that woman do like all manner of men (except me it seems)
I get real sad, illusion gone, reality in. whatever that reality is. still alone.
it has just now occurred to me (perhaps not for the first time)
that I am indeed VERY afraid, petrified even,
(there ARE exceptions, very notable ones)
and that where others would be ambitious, particularly after showing great talent, ability, and success even,
I merely freeze, and wait for others to go away, so that I can feel safe again,
rather than actually be ambitious and move FARTHER forward.
1. sometimes it looks as though that which is farther forward is not as interesting as that which I have already done.
2. sometimes it would be good if I did so anyway, or at least employed others to do it for me or help me (I can’t be my own manager, I’m AWFUL at it.)
3. I also often, when I look, I don’t SEE what others see; when it occurs to others to “oh, next I would do THIS, or THAT”, this does NOT occur to me, often, OTHER things do (nothing wrong with this.)
hm.
you got no right LABELING me with a DISORDER.
FUCK you.
just cause you’re more COMMON and AVERAGE than me doesn’t mean SHIT.
I don’t have ATTENTION disorder, YOU have
LOW fucking standards, and BEING ALL TOO ORDINARY AND BORING disorder.
*I am told, by a commenter (facebook friend) that
“this is the best thing I have heard from you all year.”
and incidentally,
this is properly, when stated more eloquently, called
THE BACKWARDS-BIZZARO THEORY (or backwards BIZARRO (sp) theory.
sigh… reading some friends’s posts (none of you who are seeing this in particular (I hid the people who it “really” applies to)
I’m glad that I don’t really care about being famous, or perceived in a certain way, and that what really matters (hopefully I’m “not” kidding myself (I might indeed be, the mind is sneaky like that (I’d be lying if I said I “didn’t” “somewhat enjoy” people’s admiration (but it doesn’t have to be millions of average people)
um… yeah…
I‘m glad, if it’s true, that being in the moment, of drumming, and dance on occasion (usually drumming, since Alfred Ladzekpo retired) (he was a teacher of African (from Ghana) Music and Dance, at CalArts for 41 years, for those of you not in-the-know.)
yeah, I‘m glad, if it’s true, that being in the moment, of drumming, and dance on occasion (usually drumming, since Alfred Ladzekpo retired) is SO “IT.” it’s never about being admired, or being payed a lot, even anything, or about being FAMOUS or adored by millions (yeah, millions of nobody’s who have nothing vested in me, and who don’t understand my art.)
no, no.
it’s about momentary interaction, coming together with a few people, drummers, dancers, perhaps singers or other things too….
or simply listening to music.
now, here, music you love so much you couldn’t care less about anything else, and could die at the end of the night, or song.
I’m sorry, but all lifeforms will die, and it can’t be about living forever (though maybe that changes?:)
it can’t be about passing on legacies, or one’s children. they shall have to fend for themselves, and that is simply the way of things.
attachment, don’t do too much of it.
just be here now, ok?
and if you don’t LOVE the performance to the endth degree of ecstasy, my friends, then I really cannot advise you other than keep seeking, for all I know is what I’ve said.
Hey! profiting off of other people’s suffering is bad.
as is creating suffering so that you can profit off it.
we should do better things with our existence.
let’s start by not hurting people just to make money.
sometimes I wonder what if anything I’m missing by just being me.
2 hours last night, and one tonight, I remembered 36 (African) rhythms, with dozens more to go.
(I learned them gradually over “many” years, and at one point, wrote some of them down in rudimentary ways. months ago, I accidentally deleted all the notation (and every other microsoft file I had for the last 11 years.)
good thing I had already long since memorized all of them:)
only have about 50 more to go. learning things in such a way that you remember them for years is good-feeling.
remember, other people’s opinions and feelings exist, and do matter,
but your own do very much as well.