historically having felt responsible for all manner of things that are not in fact my responsibility at all (1. mom and dad’s marriage, 2. peace in the middle east, 3. everyone else’s emotions (see #1…)
when the words “it’s not about you” or many paraphrases of it were used…
I never got the message; it merely made me feel even more responsible (that is, guilty and shameful because I couldn’t control things.)
simply learning that a lot of people’s actions are not in fact under my control, are not my fault, and are not being done because of me (that is, they have nothing to do with me, they aren’t about me, but with kinder more compassionate less pointed less blaming words,)
is very nice indeed.
I always believed I was unlovable (not true, never was) and invalid (not true and never was,) this is at this point called “The Belief.”
when people said “you think everything is about you” in spite of them maybe MEANING (if they even did) the above…
it ended up coming across as further proof that the belief was true, and therefore completely backfiring and having the opposite effect of the possibilities of freeing someone from feeling responsible for so very many things for which they are not.
so…
particular when dealing with a weirdo like myself
choose your words carefully if you want to be understood.