there are great many things that are no my responsibility, that I have always felt were.
but they are not.
including when, say, I go for a job but do not get it, or a date (yeah, really) or anything not flooded in incredible joy (and comfort) already.
I have long responded to these things feeling guilt and shame, which, I am uh, doing less, for “see above.”
it made me afraid to even try to do or ask for anything, to take ANY risk.
so, I guess I’m becoming freer to take risks now, for, not only do I NOT need to feel any guilt or shame if I fail, for failure is essential and likely, while learning, but I never DID need to feel any.
a belief, stating that I deserved to feel guilt and shame for being less than perfect, which includes feeling immense guilt and shame not only for being less than perfect, but also for making any mistakes, and simply for being human, for being normal…
this belief.
is not only not true now,
but
never was.
a simple misperception of the world and reality, alas.
why? because I was a tiny little child, and there were scary things in the adult world around me.
see? therapy is good like this.
as is honesty and determination, it would seem, to improve things, but looking at them and analyzing and comparing and thinking and seeing the truth. which is of course, that I do not and never did deserve to feel shameful about being less than perfect, about being human, about making mistakes, about being normal.
and, let’s make this controversial.
this sheds light, to me, on religion.
religion would do honorably to
stop shaming people for being human, normal, and teach them that there IS in fact nothing wrong/sinful about being human, rather than, as it does, position itself as a savior and a punisher if you do not “submit” to it.
that’s like a healer or doctor or parent abusing an unknowing and scared child in need of guidance, rather than teaching the child to love themselves, instead of seeing themselves as flawed.
it’s vulture-like, honestly.
I deserve better.
you deserve better.
oh snap.
drops mic.