7 against 8, or, at least, 7 against 2

-just listened to this, a recording of my playing harmonium accompanying my friend on Tabla.

one part of this, he is in “Seven-Speed” (eh, 7 notes to the beat,) while I, while not playing 8 notes to the beat, am playing sometimes 2, (which gives it the feel as if it had 8.)

mannnnn 8 against seven feels WACK, as if one of us is a fraction rhytmically OFF, the whole time, but we’re NOT! there’s such a strong tendency to “adjust” (that is, for me to play as if I too am in 7 speed (which technically speeking, in place of quarter note followed by two eighth notes, you would, in 7 speed, likely play dotted 8th followed by two 8ths, (ONE two three FOUR five SIX seven…)

but no, our teacher Pandit Swapan Chaudhuri did say, “keep it straight.”    mannnn that was trippy!

you try it some time, play something in quarters and 8th notes, while another plays 16th note-septuplets, ooh yeah.

at 18:37 in this, or here’s an audio of it as well


no guilt for being normal or human:)

there are great many things that are no my responsibility, that I have always felt were.

but they are not.

including when, say, I go for a job but do not get it, or a date (yeah, really) or anything not flooded in incredible joy (and comfort) already.

I have long responded to these things feeling guilt and shame, which, I am uh, doing less, for “see above.”

it made me afraid to even try to do or ask for anything, to take ANY risk.

so, I guess I’m becoming freer to take risks now, for, not only do I NOT need to feel any guilt or shame if I fail, for failure is essential and likely, while learning, but I never DID need to feel any.

a belief, stating that I deserved to feel guilt and shame for being less than perfect, which includes feeling immense guilt and shame not only for being less than perfect, but also for making any mistakes, and simply for being human, for being normal…

this belief.

is not only not true now,


never was.

a simple misperception of the world and reality, alas.

why?  because I was a tiny little child, and there were scary things in the adult world around me.

see?  therapy is good like this.

as is honesty and determination, it would seem, to improve things, but looking at them and analyzing and comparing and thinking and seeing the truth.  which is of course, that I do not and never did deserve to feel shameful about being less than perfect, about being human, about making mistakes, about being normal.

and, let’s make this controversial.

this sheds light, to me, on religion.

religion would do honorably to

stop shaming people for being human, normal, and teach them that there IS in fact nothing wrong/sinful about being human, rather than, as it does, position itself as a savior and a punisher if you do not “submit” to it.

that’s like a healer or doctor or parent abusing an unknowing and scared child in need of guidance, rather than teaching the child to love themselves, instead of seeing themselves as flawed.

it’s vulture-like, honestly.

I deserve better.

you deserve better.

oh snap.

drops mic.

what do other people want

what do other people want, the approval of others?
do I want that?
then why do I get upset when others get it and I don’t?
good question.
applies to when uh, it happens and doesn’t in sexual manners as well.
why should I care that other people are relating, if I never jump at the chance to do so even when I DO have it?
perhaps I already have (as a “friend” of mine (a man who was pretty fuckin cynical, and frankly, betrayed my trust and acted uncaringly when it came to musical performance (I was dragging and he DIDN’T BOTHER to NOTIFY ME! WHAT KINDA BEHAVIOR IS THAT????!!!!!!)
a man who SEE ABOVE once said, you already are what you want to be.
perhaps, invisible, alone, and nothing ARE what I want, then.
or comfort.
or whatever.
I shouldn’t discount fun that I have.
but what’s it all mean.
whatever who cares I’m tired.
it’s not like there IS some big answer to everything.

don’t compare yourself to others, if you do so, you’ve already sunk, said my therapist.
don’t compare yourself to others, if you do so, you’ve already sunk, said my therapist.
don’t compare yourself to others, if you do so, you’ve already sunk, said my therapist.
don’t compare yourself to others, if you do so, you’ve already sunk, said my therapist.
don’t compare yourself to others, if you do so, you’ve already sunk, said my therapist.

…ADHD strangers online…

… seems a little difficult to connect to other ADHD people on facebook whom I don’t already know, as the association, on facebook and others’s part, of the term “disease” with it is MOST off-putting.

I one sure way to enrage me like you have NEVER seen is to imply that I have a disease because I am more energetic than you.

breathes deeply while frowning…

that’s the polite version. I nearly said 6 or seven examples of adjectives of which I am “better at” and “more of” than the proverbial “you.”

I wonder if the western idea of success…

sometimes I wonder, if the western idea (there are other versions of it elsewhere in the world, yes)
but I wonder if the western idea of success…
is in fact imperialistic, overarching, conquering, violent, and unnecessary.

and that perhaps getting by with less than everything, and simply being happy, you know, and ENJOYING LIFE… matter more.

it is always through the graces of some very kind people that I come to such thoughts.





Tagged African Music because it was the kindness of many Africans at an “African Contributions to Kern County CA” conference (at which I (and some African friends) was playing (yes, African) music at , that led to these thoughts.


and the fact that in general, I think Africans more often have got this down…, that is, being in the moment, and enjoying life now.

is that racist? 😉 no.