conscientiousness, or what might be referred to (by a buncha JERKS,) as “executive function” (seriously GO TO HELL if you come at me with that)
seems pretty tough for me a lot of the time. there’s just TOO MANY things I want and need to do.
only relief seems to be when I somehow actually start one of them, or when other people are doing one that I want to be a part of.
Ritalin’s not an option (long story.)
took Strattera once. NOT a pleasant experience. I mean, I didn’t want to do or care about ANYTHING while on it. it was like cutting of a guys balls so that he won’t get an erection and freak out women. no no.
I am not all that into the idea of such meds (long story.)
I am more into, and this is very difficult to actuate, I must say
simply not surrounding myself with distractions (this is why I don’t have a smart phone,) and just BEING around very few things, ONE if possible. assuming that I have eaten and slept enough, and have made enough money too (these together are simply too tough, man) and AND
have GOTTEN enough HIGH STIMULATION such that I DON’T seek to turn all manner of low-stimulation things INTO high ones. that NEVER works, and can waste entire days. I mean, iMAGine trying to take something that’s super mundane, and doing it over and over such that ypu hope, foolishly, that the repeated uses of it ADD UP to the stimulation and life-vitality, of say, a SINGLE experience of playing a little music, or talking to someone. like trying to build a mountain with specks of stand. you’d be better if you started with really big rocks.

… never really have figured out the balance, if there is to be one,

between

doing things to survive if I personally can’t stand em…

I mean, where to even START from…
there’s so many options, you could

do something you hate, and just tolerate it (yeah, and I could torture myself too.)
you could do things you love and try to get payed (doing that, haven’t starved yet, probably should have.)
or you could, FAR more challenging for a perfectionistic adhder who
a. doesn’t observe
b. nor understand
c. nor agree with

other people’s ways of doing things, (and other people’s thoughts,) in general.

you could, far more difficult, try to come up with some kinda mixture… but where to start…. and when to judge and evaluate and reevaluate, harder to answer, Yoda-San, yes…

not lying here, but my how it is strange to actually get things done, when most of my days, at least to me (not just to me, by ANY standard) feel like I am getting nothing, FAR LESS than everyone done.
I mean, let’s not forget, I don’t really even have a life.
right now, my home is clean, most uniquely, and we (I) are (am) making every effort to NOT give in even once to letting it slip beneath this. (only because I know, from hundreds of experiences, that a single slip leads to a million more, and poof: you are tripping over a bag of rice milk containers in at 6am on february 2nd (still awake from the 1st, that is,) and breaking your toe….
when I like, am meeting the same responsibilities that everyone else (ok, maybe not everyone, maybe not eve a lot of people, who knows) are, THEN I’ll have a life.
but fuck that, that’s a cruel, MINIMIZING and SELF-UNDERMINING attitude towards one or myself, ah yes.
anyway. I somehow got things done today. now if Only I could do that tomorrow too…
p.s. I only seem to get things done when
1. I meet other people who are in charge of said things at like 11am somewhere far from home, or
2. I am allowed all day to “get around to it” and then actually HAVE 4 hours left in the day to DO so, before it becomes like 1am when I am still awake stewing…
let us sleep now.
or at least, let us watch some of Lord of the Rings and some other things till we get exhausted, and THEN sleep, then wake up at 4am with the lights on, turn them off and THEN sleep.