so many years…. so little has changed, though I guess some things have, and are, and some day we’ll all die, yes…
hows that for a grave opening.
boy, 30 hours have gone buy, I only slept 6 (not 8) of them…
boy, it really does hurt when I am reminded that life seems indeed to have some wonderful things to offer, things that other people have been doing forever,
things that I am simply not engaged in nor trying to learn.
things I will have to engage in and learn, if they are to happen.
not because I am a coward, no,
but simply because I am terrified and always have been.
I know… I know….
….
just learn them, baby steps.
why didn’t I do this the last 5, 10, 15, 20 years…
(I know why…)
the second best time to plant a tree…
…
it’s humiliating to be beginner at something that most people already know.
Yeah I’m great at this and that, yeah yeah.
sigh when if ever will I just do the work and …
I hate people, they’re so scary.
I can’t defend myself from them with music.
that just leads to music.
I love music.
but it’s not enough.
Category Archives: Frustrations about women ‘n’ stuff
ehh, let’s be more positive, yes.
why should I make people comfortable?
… why the FUCK…
should I make people comfortable?
what the fuck are they doing to make ME comfortable?
not much.
they mediate with generic normalness, (ugh)
which can lead
1. people who are actually cool to behaving as if they are NOT,
2. people who are NOT cool to pretending (and failing in said endeavor) that they ARE (laughable and embarrassing, from my point of view, for them)
no, fuck that.
people should
BE HONEST and BE THEMSELVES
and congregate with those with TRULY THE RIGHT CHEMISTRY, fuck all this ass kissing.
THIS is what makes sense to ME, not them “average people’s social norms.”
call me primitive, go ahead. fuck you.
na, but come the fuck on, just tell the truth, don’t play games and mislead people. be you me, we might love it.
tagged politics cause politicians should do this, and have principles.
I guess you shouldn’t put up walls between yourself and others
I guess you shouldn’t put up walls between yourself and others, even if it was other people in your childhood who put them up, forcibly, and you just accepted them because you thought they were real (indeed, they kinda were,) (the matrix again)
you shouldn’t minimize yourself in such a way, for example:
“so and so (a woman who is sexually attractive) wouldn’t date me because she has dated “this guy” or “that guy” and I’m nothing like those guys.
I bet- after many years of empy loneliness oh god,
that that simply ain’t true. I must have what women want.
yes that.
geez this makes me nervous hahahaaaa
the HELL with NORMAL SOCIAL CUES.
people always taught me that I MISSED, as in DIDN’T NOTICE or UNDERSTAND “NORMAL SOCIAL CUES.”
but why should anyone AGREE with the Cursed things ANYHOW?
they don’t SUIT me. so FUCk em!
MAYBE the damn things just didn’t make SENSE to me, and MAYBE it WASN’T ME that was the issue, maybe it’s the damn social cues, maybe they are are just KINDA STUPID.
as you reach out and try to collaborate
as you reach out and try to collaborate, with anyone for any purpose,
know this, particularly if you are more unique than other individuals:
you might not and probably will not get along well with almost EVERYONE. I mean seriously, would you marry ANYONE? I doubt it.
I’ve had some lousy therapists, I have a good one “who happens to work well with me” now. (happens, not because they are good or bad, nor me, (that’s important!) but just because of CHEMISTRY, so to speak…
for gods SAKE people (or, whomever’s)
DO NOT blame YOURSELF on CHEMISTRY!!!!
I love chords, notes, and hearing them
it has occurred to me once again that a lot of people simply can’t very easily hear, say, the Root, Third, and Fifth (and other notes) of a Triad, when listening to chords, in a row, etc…
pity them, it’s really beautiful and stimulating. who needs money or sex, I got this;)
my god I’m short-sighted
my god I’m short-sighted, though it’s understandable why.
perhaps it’s time to expect more from life.
this is the life
man, god DAMN there’s nothing better than doing awesome things over and over and over!
proverbial EDGING (look it up)
hearing or playing “already extremely repetitive music” over and over for hours.
be as good as fucking coolly or hotly that long. or driving and hearing music…. or any shit… dancin, exercising…. fuck yeah this is life.
so, relationships….
might seem strange to say this…. but a lot of people seem to have relationships.
my therapist today said that plenty of these people (and relationships) are not in fact happy ones, indeed.
it has occurred to me, the unhappy ones and “just because this is what everyone does and so I guess I should do it too” ones not withstanding-
so I guess these people must ENJOY doing this then, huh…
so I’d better start
NOT using other people as ways to make MYSELF feel better about myself (instead of just loving myself just because, first,) and
um,
doing whatever it is that people do together that they seem to enjoy, WHICH-
being Adhd, and already having a lotta things that are super fun to do, and already doing plenty of them, …
sometimes I have a hard time imagining (aside from Sex of course)
things to do with a partner that would compare with the stuff I already do, ya know, drumming, listening to music, and other stimulating things.
I mean, yeah, people be together, yeah…. just….
sometimes it’s tough for me to imagine feeling good or relaxed, or stimulated, or interested at all, when something involves spending “as much” time with another person as a relationship seems like it’d involve.
I am a loner, after all.
we shall see, I guess.
(I tagged all this music stuff in this because said music stuff is a lotta the stuff I enjoy, and don’t need to be in a relationship to love deeply, for it to make me truly happy…. sharing it with another might be okay, but seriously, it’s already great without em…. I don’t need style crampage…) but yeah, some affection might be nice.
normal???
somehow (and I know how) because of my childhood and feelings and such, there are some “fairly normal human behaviors” that I regard as otherwise.
I’ve really gotta…. accept that it’s really okay if I engage in these behaviors. avoiding them… hasn’t really made me happy.
though doing other behaviors has… I can be happier, and happier is better than happy. still, happy at all is better than not happy at all.
#whatsnormal