…wow… (old thoughts, but always amazing to think)

I don’t feel appreciated, or even VISIBLE (in a mom-and-dad-aren’t-there-for-me-and-it-feels-like-I-don’t-matter-(and-don’t-deserve-love, therefore” type of way

when people “like” me for something normal, average.

it feels too much like

they don’t mean what they are saying,
they don’t care,
they aren’t real,
they aren’t REALLY
SEEING/CARING about me.

I only seem to feel that it matters (and it may not even then, we shall see)
when people appreciate me for something DISTINCTIVE,
that is,

something individual, unique, DIFFERENT/WEIRD/CRAZY.

(some people might get that from being viewed as bad-boys, punks, skaters, etc…)

these thoughts were prodded by the notion that

the word “OBVI” is becoming shorthand for OBVIOUS, in a lame valleygirl speak way.

I was about to say:

“I don’t go in for these
TRENDY things” because:

see above.

which is why I can’t afford to not ask what is the best I can be doing, can’t afford to not ask what I would be doing differently if I wasn’t afraid, believed I could have or do anything, and believed that I deserved to be happy, to be loved, and was a good person, and that I mattered.
this me
is the one I must be,
not his opposite.

sigh, WELL
being one of the most sensitive, fearful (and brave, yes, they tell me) people
is crazy sometimes. you’re not supposed SUPPOSED to compare yourself negatively to others, but it’s hard not too. almost ALL of them, either seem to have perfect lives, or have ALWAYS seemed to, even 15 years ago, and those that had “apparent challenges” have nonetheless moved WAY past them, even though these people are like 10 or more years younger than you, if they ever had them at all.
yes, there “are” ” a very few” friends who clearly, like me, DO still have such challenges. I just counted you. I count TEN. everyone else, nope.
but what do I know, really. everyone else “does” have challenges, and of course their lives aren’t perfect, though hell they sure seem to me….
let’s change tone from “already fluctuating between genuine and sarcastic and resentful” to
thoughtful….
…
no, I am not in these people’s heads. perhaps they ARE unhappy, perhaps they DO wish for what I have, yes.
ok, hell with it, let’s stay happy, there’s things to do after all…

sometimes just taking step by step, rather than worrying about a grand design… is just the right thing…
it even feels good, to actually DO one little thing, instead of just thinking about the MILLIONS of things you want/need to do.

the life of a procrastinator, ah yes