Category Archives: Self-Compassion

all the times I ever asked for help

all the times I ever asked for help (most anyway)…
I wasn’t actually asking for help, nor for how-to advice…
I was simply asking for permission to not feel guilt and shame…
guilt and shame that I was alive at all, that is… I’d never have needed that, nor have felt this kind of intense guilt and shame, had I had a real nice happy childhood, like some people…

but no one could ever give me permission to not feel guilt and shame…
except my nice therapist…
and yet she didn’t give it to me,
she helped me give it
to myself.

and yes…
somehow now I’m feeling more free to do things,
to trust myself, and to not just defer to other people,
when I never agreed with their approaches or advice anyway, and it almso alwyas just resulted in more guilt and shame.

no more:)

confusion about what consultants do

hey- this post be a little angry:) take with salt grains

from an article about Bernie Sanders, but having more to do with something else, which I shall get to in a sex-

“As a content writer, the septuagenarian fittingly broke all the best practices rules, but still managed to flummox the millennial-aged social media professionals on his staff when his posts performed better than theirs.

Sanders keeps close tabs on his Twitters followers and Facebook “likes,” and carefully studies which messages generate the largest responses. Aides say its important feedback data for Sanders, the same way ropeline conversations are for other politicians.

The attention to detail grew out of his early years in politics, when it was both a necessity and a preference that set him apart from candidates who hired professional political consultants.”

that angered me, somehow.

why?

1. I feel in short, that I am honest, direct, real.
2. I basically feel that unless you talk the way I do, that you are basically dishonest, less real, and kinda fake.

(a hell of value judgement, I know.   I sometimes make those, I allow myself to get angry sometimes, yes.)
yep, you. go to hell, haters, I don’t care.
3. see below:

I can just see ME doing it (or hiring someone to do it )
in this “hire out a consultant or a professional “whatever” to do something in the proper corporate way, and it not working, in MY case, can’t you just SEE it “working when OTHER people do it, leading me to expect that if only “I” do the same thing THEY do, the same way THEY do it, I’ll have AS magical perfect results as THEY got…

and no, that WON’T be what will happen… somehow, just because it’s me.

Kyra-style, from the Ayn Rand Novel (‪#‎fuckaynrand‬)
WE THE LIVING. (where a nice gal, is forced by the times, to walk and talk the communist walk and talk, but she is not truthfully one with them, and when she walks the walk and talks the talk, unlike with the OTHER people… when SHE does it… something’s off, people can just TELL, even though she is saying the exact same words of fake commeraderie (sp) that everyone else does.

(see appendix)

why did that anger me?

because what “I” do and the way “I” do it is interesting “to ME,”

and what other people seem to do, is basically mindless, directionless, disinterested, lowest-common-denominator GARBAGE (if you take this personally, or get defensive,

first of all

1. buggar off
2. it isn’t about you
3. this is mostly about presentation, image, and music, and me.)
4. you’re defensive? that’s your problem. get your own therapist, but I digress.)
.

so, back to the actual topic.

firms…. PROFESSIONAL CONSULTANTS.

I have NEVER known nor understood WHAT, in CONCRETE EXAMPLE TERMS, a CONSULTANT “ACTUALLY” does, other than consults. WHAT do they SAY, about WHAT, TO WHOM, to WHAT END, and WHERE did they learn WHATEVER it is they “KNOW” and WHAT “IS” IT, first and foremost.

and why on earth are they SPECIAL, and why couldn’t ANYONE intelligent do what they do, probably BETTER?

I mean, what are these people doing, basing everything on STATISTICS AND DATA, instead of BEING BLOODY REAL?
is that what they are doing?

this wasn’t really supposed to be about consultants, it is really about how

I don’t see why there IS such a world at all, if “honesty and realness are… in my opinion, just BETTER, exemplified by Bernie Sander’s REAL posts OUTPERFORMING the PROFESSIONAL, CORPORATE ones that alleged EXPERTS wrote.

god DAMMIT, people, just speak the damn truth, stop POSING, (and LEARN the truth before that.)

appendix:

that’s how “becoming a flirtatious guy” would feel to me… it’s SO “out of phase” both with how people who know me expect me to act, and how I feel used to acting.

Pilates, and unexpected upper body strength

my chiro thinks my upper body IS strong… which is kinda neat. that’s the LAST thing I think of myself as. must be the african music. (that and drumming with
2. heavy drum sticks
3. turning said sticks around and using their even-heavier butts, while practicing (which is ALWAYS ON the steering wheel, IN the car, WHILE driving, one handed.

perhaps THAT’S why “the arm stuff” at pilates is….. easier for me than it seems like it is for others (all women, usually)?

(my arms are HEAVY, and holding them UP sometimes is indeed harder than moving them. eh, blah blah

let not the whims of society define you

let not the whims and ways and “decisions” of society (within the law of course) define you,

such things were not “designed” with YOU in mind, ESPECIALLY if you aren’t a typical “just get by, fit in, conformist/consumer” type.

and fucks sake, don’t EXPECT much from these “societal structures,” they don’t exist for you, they exist for AVERAGE people.

(when the fuck did I become, such an elitist? (I love it:), so fuck you.)

if you expect fulfillment from, or ANYTHING from such things, and you happen to be rather unique, you will be disappointed plenty, as those of us of this nature have long known inside, and out, based on our lives and how others treat us and what happens when we simply exist amongst these mere mortals, heh.

Self-Esteem = UP, today.

make your own (things.)
BE.
The Boss.

 

disclaimer:  calling people “Mere Mortals” is merely a poetic way of referring to some people as if they are less interesting than I find myself, sometimes.   when in a good mood… when in a bad mood, I call them normal and me weird.  naturally, the other way (the good mood way) is happier.  for me.

Tagged Wagner cause I think he felt similar.

it isn’t about spectacle…. it’s about-

it isn’t about spectacle.
it’s about substance.

it isn’t about power, money, control, or fear, such things are meaningless.

it is about interest, stimulation, imagination, and being in the fucking moment.

I’m lucky…. that I have strong interests…

I’m lucky….
that I have strong interests… I can’t bear to imagine (nor can I imagine in itself)
how boring and dis-engaging life would be without such things.

I’m also ill-equiped to mentor people who don’t have such interests, as I’ve NO idea what they should do other than GET some of said interests…

and mine are I believe a function of being ADHD and smart, so…
don’t know what non-adhd’ers ought do.

but if you IS adhd, I know what should do.
come party and music make with me.

a big change? how is this possible

has something happened to me? after DECADES of um, making plans, and not following through on them, and feeling guilt and shame because of this, comparing myself to others, incorrectly concluding that everyone else is doing better they me (you aren’t)
and eventually, giving up on making plans, because the mere THREAT of feeling the guilt and shame, was SO STRONG…. if I didn’t finish something… (so many things indeed take work for many days, and if I couldn’t finish it, that day… it is so hard for me to come back to it at all, that, well, guilt and shame ALWAYS followed.

so eventually, no plans. no doing.

so…

since monday… been happening for weeks now)

somehow…

I have been

1. working on uh, deleting crap from my computer, daily.
2. cleaning my “filthy” house, daily.
3. actually DOing things on a list, things that lead to playing more music and making money.

um,

why?

and why hasn’t it STOPPED is my question…

perhaps all these years, and therapy and my courage will pay off yet.