Category Archives: Uncategorized

(thinking) you need help but not accepting it

in some ways, when it comes to certain things (saying “which ones” might elucidate this greatly, but I’ll get to that)

I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by
A. a buncha people whom I do not trust and whom claim to have (and seem to have) All the Answers (i.e, these people can take care of themselves and don’t seem to have any obvious maladaptions, so so speak (nice word, “maladaptions.” I just made it up:)

and

B. a buncha other people whom I DO trust, but are as lost as me.

all of my CRAZY artist friends (crazy like me) the ones who are REALLY close to me….
they have all the same challenges, more or less.

and those who are different, who really seem to have their lives in order….

when I ask these people for advice, including my life coach…
I inevitably come away hurt and self-judging, as if I won’t accept their advice, because it’s “not me” even though what “IS” me either doesn’t work, or I haven’t tired hard enough, usually the latter. which-
does give hope.

perhaps

perhaps I just need to learn to not take things too seriously when I disagree, and just let some things go,
EVEN WHEN

my defenses are down, and
I am frustrated and seeking help, and
grumble grumble.

ha ha ha, CalArts asking me for money

an email from CALARTS ASKING ME FOR MONEY!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

things to say:
1. I went to CalArts.
2. it is the coolest place on earth; I love it, with an L.
3. I love music and art and dance stuffs, and they are awesome.
4. I don’t make much money (though I know that music and art and dance are “there very own wonder and that is good enough.

Books for Christmas

coolest presents I got, as usual lately
are BOOKS.
I SAW THE WORLD END by Deryck Cooke
WAGNER’S RING AND IT’S SYMBOLS by Robert Donnington (BOTH about Wagner)
FIGHT CLUB the novel, and
DESERT TO DREAM, a big coffee table book of burningman photos, including many nudes of both varieties, both painted and not, mud covered and not, and lots of “ART” too. wonderful.
Mom and Dad, LITERATURE PEOPLE as they are, are proud. Smile.
I put the T in ENTP/INTP

The Hurt Locker, 1

the ideas in this post need clearer explanation. I’ll get to that some time.

A post about the film THE HURT LOCKER.
SPOILER ALERT! DON’T READ THIS till you SEE IT!!
seriously!




ready? ok.

the first time I saw the end, when he goes back… I felt what I imagine was intended, kinda shock and horror at how a man could become addicted to the adrenaline rush that they feel in a war.

but every time since,

I have felt, shall we say, something else.

as he is walking in slow motion, and then it jump cuts to him in the suit… with that super loud THRASH music…

I feel who is anyone to judge anyone for what is best for them in life…

there are things about life that I love very much (not war, no.)
sometimes, as in the case of The Dude from The Big Lebowski….
sometimes there’s a man… and… he’s the man, for his time and place.

ADHD is not “addiction, for one.
I am not addicted to war, no.
but there are things that I find “highly stimulating.”
fortunately, for me, they are mostly music, not some ‘foreign substance, i.e, a drug” that I put in my system.

nobody can tell me, nor indeed anyone,
that they shouldn’t be this way, that they shouldn’t get “what they need”, in “their” amount and in a way of “their” choosing. (albeit, if it’s really drugs we are talking about, and I’m not sure it is…. it might or might not change the equation.

I mean, is adrenaline a drug?

is developing tolerance for things, adrenaline included, bad?

who’s to say?
(this is why a film wins best picture, in ambiguities like these.)

certainly not “normal people.” anymore than someone different is to say that “normal people” are doing it wrong. though, we may often think so, I certainly do.

All I am saying is that when I see Sgt. James walking in Iraq, in slow motion at the end of the film…. in the suit….

having nothing to do with America, or War or anything… Edmund, I didn’t take any pro or anti-us stuff from the film, was on a different level for me, as you can see)

I felt empowered. very very VERY MUCH.

to this day, I get a BIG rush in that last scene (see above… it’s High Stimulation.)

not because of war. I was against our invasion or Iraq.

because sometimes people need to do what’s right for THEM, regardless of how it might appear to others.

this is why a film wins best picture. because of ambiguities like these.

In High Stimulation we trust.

p.s. this is all about MUSIC, and MY FEELING that people have often not been in sync with, not understood, my tastes, and the comparatively extreme nature of my musical tastes, to others’.

I love Wagner, West African Drumming of various kinds, Minimalism by Steve Reich and Philip Glass, James Brown, Jazz, and many other things too.

sometimes I like to hear the same thing over and over for hours.
sometimes I hear the same thing over and over in MY HEAD, automatically, for hours.
sometimes I love playing music for hours…. sometimes I like doing it until I’m dead tired and can’t drive home (but have to anyway… coffee…)

High Stimulation Music is life. for me.

so again, this post was not about war… it was about me, and music, which somehow, I saw in the last scene of the Hurt Locker.

(Incidentally, there are Tritones in the chords of this music…. pimp)

ADDITIVE CLEANING

welcome to PROGRESSIVE CLEANING, or EXPONENTIAL cleaning…
or maybe just ADDITIVE cleaning…
where, every time I walk from the bed area across the room towards the bathroom or fridge (no kitchen, but got a fridge)
I throw out ONE piece of clutter on the way.
next time I go over (which is often 30 or less seconds later…)
two>
then three.
up to 7 today. that is 7+6+5+4+3+2+1
and yes, my place is a mess, but at this rate it won’t be some time soon.
party at Casa de Robbins when that happens.
(no.)