A ZeitGeist Question 4 7 15

the big question, … bringing to mind (my perhaps incorrect usage of the term)
ZEITGEIST….
of my life right now
is
“when am I doing things for others and when am I doing them for myself?”
and I don’t actually mean WHEN
I also mean why, how, and in what ways do I disagree with “typical people’s opinions” on this matter….

a far far far bigger problem

being adhd is FAR FAR FAR less of a problem-
than believing you are worthless person who does’t deserve anything, who takes every non-perfect outcome of every single step taken towards any goal, as well as every comparison,
as PROOF that they ARE worthless and should never have bothered taken the step.
today, I can see that simply bouncing around and finding less-then-amazing tasks boring
is nothing compared to that.
well then.

what “it’s not about you” REALLY means…

historically having felt responsible for all manner of things that are not in fact my responsibility at all (1. mom and dad’s marriage, 2. peace in the middle east, 3. everyone else’s emotions (see #1…)
when the words “it’s not about you” or many paraphrases of it were used…
I never got the message; it merely made me feel even more responsible (that is, guilty and shameful because I couldn’t control things.)
simply learning that a lot of people’s actions are not in fact under my control, are not my fault, and are not being done because of me (that is, they have nothing to do with me, they aren’t about me, but with kinder more compassionate less pointed less blaming words,)
is very nice indeed.
I always believed I was unlovable (not true, never was) and invalid (not true and never was,) this is at this point called “The Belief.”
when people said “you think everything is about you” in spite of them maybe MEANING (if they even did) the above…
it ended up coming across as further proof that the belief was true, and therefore completely backfiring and having the opposite effect of the possibilities of freeing someone from feeling responsible for so very many things for which they are not.
so…
particular when dealing with a weirdo like myself
choose your words carefully if you want to be understood.

SEQUENCES OF IDEAS or DEVELOPMENT

on the validity of mere SEQUENCES OF IDEAS, rather than DEVELOPMENT of them, in music, and perhaps in conversation, or even thinking, or living.
I mean, what’s the point of “developing” something… you don’t have to “develop” seeing the sky, you see it, it’s blue, or azul, or whatever, and it’s beautiful. you don’t HAVE to “write poems” about it, or define it, it just IS.
MM! UMPH! why can’t music and sound just BE, sometimes? even in a John Cage sense… not ALL of them (but then again, why NOT all of them?) but bloody hell, if you find someting appealing, just BE with it, as long as you like. no need for a story, an arc, a narrative. no need for TELEOLOGY. just BE. DAMMIT just be.
COLOURS. FEELINGS. THE MOMENT. OVER AND OVER. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU FIND IT PLEASANT.
I DON’T NEED to always be doing something NEW! some of the things I love to do I am happy doing MANY TIMES!!!
like if I was married… I wouldn’t need a new WOMAN all the time… would I?
I should think not, if I loved my wife.
and I don’t need new and different food all the time, even any of it (though in some ways a broader diet than I’ve got would be good, yes.)
some say variety is the spice of life. perhaps, but NO!start with basic contentment, no need to spice things up without things “TO” spice up.
and no I’m not advocating the perhaps materialist life path of the boomers, nor am I advocating maslows “incomplete” hierarchy of needs (he left out “the need to feel alive, in between the lowest two needs, but you couldn’t expect a non-adhd to know about that; it would be like saying that people need “oxygen” for happiness. and water. I mean, duh. he can be forgiven for the crime of having an “IN-UNIVERSE” perspective in his writing (in case you don’t know, that means writing a supposed encyclopedia article from the perspective of a fantasy world, rather than from OUTSIDE it, as is proper. though this does remind me of Fight Club and the device of UNRELIABLE NARRATOR, as used by JAMES JOYCE, yes.)

concentration without the internet=win

as expected,
1. in a well-lit environment full of busy people who are not paying me any attention (unlike numerous other late night coffeehouses where I feel self-conscious)
2. and without internet I’m getting TONS done, at least tons of THOUGHTS that aren’t bullshit facebook-related non-thoughts.

other people’s norms/my versions/my own

because using other people’s norms in the normal way is one thing (Rienzi, Das Liebesverbot, and Die Feen.)
adapting them for your own purposes is another, Der Fliegende Hollander, Tannhauser, Lohengrin, but
designing your very own with your purposes in mind from the BEGINNING is enTIREly another! (Der RIng (Rhinegold, Walkure, Siegfried, Gotterdammerung,) Tristan, Meistersinger, and Parsifal.
(those are the 13 opera’s by Wagner, the first two of which I believe never saw performance during his lifetime, the next three were him (I believe) adapting existing operatic styles (german, italian, and french, I think.. (Maybe I’m paraphrasing or remembering incorrectly)
and the remainder are his own, mature music dramas.