one minute I’m telling a friend not to let others define him or her, and the next day, my therapist is showing me that I let others define me.
Category Archives: Philosophy
philosophy
many different (and similar) musics
THAT’s me,
1. driving down to WAGNER, (made that up actually, today it was driving down to a phone conversation)
2. listening to JAMES BROWN
3. reading a book about harmony by SCHOENBERG, and
4. going to AFRICAN DRUM class soon.
likely coming home to
5. JAZZ tonight.
energy usage-
as far as my “not liking being part of things that are average or normal or otherwise less-than-interesting”
it’s not true when my senses DO deem them stimulating, interesting, etc.
like that vid there. funfun. notes. endorphins.
ENERGY USAGE.
I WANT THIS.
so if my life WASN’T about coping with feeling unhappy
so if my life WASN’T about coping with feeling unhappy, because I WASN’T unhappy…
would I do something different?
wonder what…
I got ideas, yo
wanting to appease/be like by/approved of
wanting to appease/be like by/approved of
normal people…
the same ones that rejected me for being different…
…
…
…
is a subject of strong emotions for me.
I have long long had a rebellious “fuck you” attitude toward it/them.
and possibly also a sense of rejection and sadness, as if my family kicked me out when I was a baby, for being me (they didn’t.)
conclusion:
screw ’em.
there might be more to say, later, perhaps.
my bio, new
be professional, be professional, blah blah blah
Mike Robbins is a Percussionist and all-around Musical Weirdo residing in Los Angeles, who spends his time playing and teaching African Music, rather crazed and rhythmically Complex yet Groovy Percussive Music, and has a very-likely-unhealthy obsession with the music of Steve Reich, which he also Conducts and Plays on occasion. He also teaches a little Music Theory of the Harmonically-Colourful Variety, and plays a little Harmonium to accompany North Indian Music. He also arranged some Marching Band and Drumline music, and composes his own stimulating musics as well.
sometimes I compare myself to others
sometimes someone else does something, I compare myself unfavorably to them, and, typically have felt incredible guilt and shame (moving past that now.)
I still have thoughts though such as
“wow, I must be not a very ambitious person, then.”
or why else would I have
1. not done what they did (I didn’t want it?)
2. not done something comparably that I DO want…
though I HAVE, done things I want… they just….
never lay well with conventional notions of success or professionalism, (other people’s often seem to, other people except for my coolest craziest friends.)
the things I have done…
I wouldn’t call them successful or professional (many would argue that they are)
I guess I WOULD call them
special, unruly, unique, something most other people would NEVER do the way “I” went about them, things no one else WOULD ever do, and maybe genius, who knows.
but definitely not conventionally successful or professional.
what do you think friends,
you think I’m ever successful, professional?
this has been a presentation of the new and improved but still a ways to go
“less self-critical and less guilty and less shameful me” in response to other people I know doing things that seem real professional and successful, while I feel like I am sitting around having fun, getting older.
p.s. perhaps “fun” is all I really ever cared about.
which-
as long as I can support myself as well, (not necessarily via the same “fun” things,)
might not be a bad thing in any sense.
it might even be the most important, more important than success or professionalism.
p.p.s you know, I have long despised the term professionalism, as if people who “are” it are fake and are stiffs? ok, enough, what do you think?
me or others,
so, a little discussion of what I call
The Zeitgeist Question, which refers, to me, to the notion of am I doing something with myself in mind, or others…
did I miss the day in school where-
where they taught you that when you work for people, yoi ddo what they ask, and not what you want?
or is that not true…
I mean, I have drumset students, kids.
they don’t know what they want or how to get it.
one of them is capable of butchering his way through a song, but if he ever wants to execute it WELL, in tempo, etc, he’s NOT gonna do what HE wants and just play play play, regardless of HOW to play well, so of course, he then needs to do what I say, the way I say it, (bearing in mind which approach I propose works best for him of course, blah blah.)
or am I just incredibly selfish, and never want to work for others, because what they want isn’t interesting to ME?
and why am I different than people who “do it anyway.”
perhaps I am just a selfish twit, only child after all, am I.
perhaps I’m impatient.
perhaps I have things I like.
perhaps a lot of average things just don’t “do it” for me.
perhaps I’m Super impatient.
or perHAPS-
you instead of me are TOO patient,
perhaps you DON’T have things you like, feel strongly about, love, can’t wait for.
perhaps a lot of average things DO “do it” for you.
perhaps you are super patient.
not that I have many “ideas for businesses”, but all the ones I do are usually not about every day things that happen to every day people, things that theoretically would be widespread, but
rather
highly specific things that are interesting to me, not every day things, but highly specific ones relating to me and my weird experience. things that aren’t widespread.
oh WHAT is the matter with me…
or what is the matter with everyone else.
why are we different at all.
and why must I suffer, on the lonely end of the stick so.
awesome as it is, here.
where do others GET the patience to provide a service which they have no interest in? (naturally, if they are poor, or are forced to because of capitalism, yeah that would make sense… but plenty of people I know are NOT like that, and STILL do things that I find muy boring.)
… seems always like things would be (seems…) so much easier if I just conformed, hid my feelings, bit the bullet and just conformed. but no.
it wouldn’t be easier, and I must struggle on, as the real me.
a private space
my favorite places always seem to be big big open ones, with nooks and crannies where you can be alone, but there is always something going on somewhere nearish by, so that there is something big and fun involving people, to do, but that it will go on with or without me, and that I can get away from it easy if I want, and not be surrounded by “just anybody” like in most public places.
very few places/spaces seem to qualify as this.
CalArts itself seems to be number one, of these.
it’s also nice, when said space is like, available always, open at 3am if desired.
also nice if it’s full of artsy weirdos who never judge, who, like you, are at any time super engrossed in some super-interesting stuff, to them, i.e, in their own little world.
I surely am an introvert in this manner yes.
a couple, one, maybe two, coffeehouses capture like 20 percent of this, most don’t at all.
really could use some more of such spaces.
you too?
I’ve had the idea of “building” one, renting parts of it out for cheap, somehow, like a hotel, but cheaper, and “not” making people rent it for a whole day if they only want it for 2 hours.
I just don’t feel “safe” around most people or in most places. not physically unsafe, no no, emotionally, in the introvert sense, or maybe the cat one.
You’re Still You/Be Here Now, yes
… seems easy to become envious, jealous, to see others and think “gee if only “I” had what THEY have… THENNNNN my life would be ok, THEN I could feel good.”
but surely, this MUST be an illusion, and far from the truth, right?
because I know, no matter what others do, no matter how well they treat you, nor how rich you are….
at the end of the day….
in the words of Tyler Durden, though in a different context.
“you’re still YOU.”
YOU with your insecurities and fear and anger, and all the other stuff, better things than negative emotions, I would hope, yes I have them too.”
so it can’t be about
being famous, being rich, or winning a grammy, or being loved by any specific people.
nor anything in the minds of others, and dare I say, nor of any god either.
others don’t have to live with you.
god doesn’t have to live with you either. (that is true whether he exists or not.)
but YOU DO have to live with you.
and there is no escape into being perfect, things being easy if “so and so” were different instead of what is.
it must be the here and now, it must by our knowledge, our experience, our feelings.
that must be it.
breath into it.
this is the universe, it would seem.