Category Archives: Self-Helping

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, Harmony, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized, Wagner

so, relationships….

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might seem strange to say this…. but a lot of people seem to have relationships.
my therapist today said that plenty of these people (and relationships) are not in fact happy ones, indeed.
it has occurred to me, the unhappy ones and “just because this is what everyone does and so I guess I should do it too” ones not withstanding-
so I guess these people must ENJOY doing this then, huh…
so I’d better start
NOT using other people as ways to make MYSELF feel better about myself (instead of just loving myself just because, first,) and
um,
doing whatever it is that people do together that they seem to enjoy, WHICH-
being Adhd, and already having a lotta things that are super fun to do, and already doing plenty of them, …
sometimes I have a hard time imagining (aside from Sex of course)
things to do with a partner that would compare with the stuff I already do, ya know, drumming, listening to music, and other stimulating things.
I mean, yeah, people be together, yeah…. just….
sometimes it’s tough for me to imagine feeling good or relaxed, or stimulated, or interested at all, when something involves spending “as much” time with another person as a relationship seems like it’d involve.
I am a loner, after all.
we shall see, I guess.

(I tagged all this music stuff in this because said music stuff is a lotta the stuff I enjoy, and don’t need to be in a relationship to love deeply, for it to make me truly happy…. sharing it with another might be okay, but seriously, it’s already great without em…. I don’t need style crampage…) but yeah, some affection might be nice.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

normal???

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somehow (and I know how) because of my childhood and feelings and such, there are some “fairly normal human behaviors” that I regard as otherwise.
I’ve really gotta…. accept that it’s really okay if I engage in these behaviors. avoiding them… hasn’t really made me happy.
though doing other behaviors has… I can be happier, and happier is better than happy. still, happy at all is better than not happy at all.
‪#‎whatsnormal‬

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

the fast-track to growing up LAST.

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man in spite of my age I am on the fast-track to growing up LAST.

but then, that’s comparing myself unfavorably to others, and it is also giving importance to certain “norms” of behavior…
so what if others do things sooner in life than me(even my younger crazy artist friends,) so what indeed.

they haven’t done what I HAVE.

no one gets to say that the NORMS are more meaningful/important than the things I HAVE DONE.

so there.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Music, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

would WOULD I do when I liked someone…

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so HERE’s a question…no, wait-

“….. now THERE’SSSSSSS a Bat-mannnnnnnnn.”

so, as I was saying…
if I DID like someone, um, aside from playing music, listening to music, talking about music, or having sex…or just talking to them…

what WOULD I want to DO SOCIALLY or anti-socially with them…

do I even KNOW this?

one thing that seems to drive me fucking bananas in a bad way is being in um, social situations that don’t really involve music, or that DO involve um, things unfamiliar and uncomfortable (and also not that interesting too, it should be stated.)

I mean, GOD DAMMIT learning new things SUCKS. (yes, I’m early-teenage-mike here, who never learned anything that most people did, yes. I’m 12. or 8 still, yes.)

AND_

people that I DO seem to like (so few, it seems…)

do I REALLY like them, or are they just so similar to me, and is THAT why I like them….

never ending god damn questions…

seems I really don’t know…

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

balance scary new with familiar good and old

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….you shouldn’t just break your back PUSHING into new situations which you may find TERRIFYING and CONFUSING and UPSETTING and OVERWHELMING…. why torture yourself?

surely it’s better to mix in some things that FEEL GOOD and COMFORTABLE and FAMILIAR too. you don’t have to be perfect, or a MARYTR to SELF-SACRIFICE, in spite of any youthful (probably male) feelings of insecurity and need for approval from someone.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

…it’s often a little hard to tell (and/or)

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…it’s often a little hard to tell whether I simply don’t have enough experience in a field of endeavor,

and/or

I don’t feel like I deserve to even be trying it (not feeling responsible for other people’s emotions surely will help with this)

and/or

I simply don’t WANT the objects of pursuit to begin with.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

typical jealousy

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fuck I hate it when people I know are in relationships. HAHAHA< I know, who the fuck isn’t in one. I hate it when people I like get with others. but then I never approach them in a way that doesn’t wreak of “lets’ just be friends because I’m too unfocused and scared to move.” just think, some day I’ll either 1. stop stopping myself from, um, doing what I want 2. actually get something I want 3. or die first. any might be nice and peaceful. (relax, concerned friends… it’s nothing, I get like this when I get jealous that other people are experiencing things with people that are actually interesting, things that I never focus on nor let myself experience, even if I’d get rejected countless times first.)

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

quick overview of lessons taught to me tonight:

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quick overview of lessons taught to me tonight:
1. my very definitions and separations of NORMAL and WEIRD are kinda not the right way to go about things.
2. don’t use what my childhood-self perceived as “other people’s standard of normal, particularly if it seems to not really be what I want.
3. sometimes, it is good to “have strategies.”
4. sometimes when you dance with someone, at a certain point, it is appropriate to touch their back, and then attempt to play with their butt, depending on the reaction.
5. the TRUE meaning of “it’s not about me” is not that “my feelings are irrelevant”, but that the highly self-conscious and crippling worrying I (and apparently many people) do is ONLY IN “OUR” HEADS, and that it is in fact about the other person, not your own incessant worrying…, IT, being um, social stuff, I think.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

with this many people to make cool music with

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wow, I’ve really got A LOT of cool friends to make music with at pretty much any moment.
I’ve got
1. these people
2. them two dudes
3. this dude
4. that dude.
5. this dude.
6. them big groupa dudes
7. them new people down there
8. some new people up here too.
9. several other combinations of the above people
10. oh, THEM new people UP UP there too too.
guess life really is actually great.

– friends in the dark, who never have experienced this: please seek it out, and if possible, come to calarts, that’s the best way.

-I know it sounds crazy. trust me. you’re gonna die some day. don’t die without this.

-oh, and also THOSE people and

-THAT REALLY REALLY HUGE group of people as well.