Category Archives: Self-Helping

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

other peoples’ behavior isn’t about you

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-recognizing when other peoples’s behavior is not a reflection on you at all, is important.

for parents, in various situations, perhaps cultures…

you can that stop imposing your will on others, for how they behave, their instincts, their interests, their modes of expression, are not in fact an expression of much of anything to do with you, but of them.

I find it alarming (though experience of those close to me) that persons should feel guilty through letting others define them.

fucks sake, the hell with the system, and persons your age, define your damn self.

we really ought to teach kids this, instead of what happened to me.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

fear of boredom? um…

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…it’s possible that I am AFRAID of the feeling of boredom, (whatever that means to me.)
I might be afraid to commit (to anything) due to this, including to things that I want, or wanted, or might want, or want in part, at some time.
you might think this is incredibly infantile, and it might indeed be, if it were you, but it’s an integral part of being adhd, for me, I say.

but then yet again,
it might just be a fear that if you lose interest in something, that THAT isn’t ok, and then you’d feel guilty about THAT, and not guilty that you lost interest, but that you didn’t DESERE to lose interest.

…

I really should keep going with this
“I am a good person just because, and I deserve to be normal and human” thing, without qualification…

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, Burningman, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Comedy, Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, Harmony, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Music Theory, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized, Wagner

so if my life WASN’T about coping with feeling unhappy

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so if my life WASN’T about coping with feeling unhappy, because I WASN’T unhappy…

would I do something different?

wonder what…

 

 

I got ideas, yo

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

wanting to appease/be like by/approved of

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wanting to appease/be like by/approved of

normal people…
the same ones that rejected me for being different…
…
…
…
is a subject of strong emotions for me.
I have long long had a rebellious “fuck you” attitude toward it/them.

and possibly also a sense of rejection and sadness, as if my family kicked me out when I was a baby, for being me (they didn’t.)

conclusion:
screw ’em.
there might be more to say, later, perhaps.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

sometimes I compare myself to others

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sometimes someone else does something, I compare myself unfavorably to them, and, typically have felt incredible guilt and shame (moving past that now.)

I still have thoughts though such as
“wow, I must be not a very ambitious person, then.”

or why else would I have

1. not done what they did (I didn’t want it?)
2. not done something comparably that I DO want…

though I HAVE, done things I want… they just….

never lay well with conventional notions of success or professionalism, (other people’s often seem to, other people except for my coolest craziest friends.)

the things I have done…
I wouldn’t call them successful or professional (many would argue that they are)
I guess I WOULD call them

special, unruly, unique, something most other people would NEVER do the way “I” went about them, things no one else WOULD ever do, and maybe genius, who knows.

but definitely not conventionally successful or professional.

what do you think friends,

you think I’m ever successful, professional?

this has been a presentation of the new and improved but still a ways to go

“less self-critical and less guilty and less shameful me” in response to other people I know doing things that seem real professional and successful, while I feel like I am sitting around having fun, getting older.

p.s. perhaps “fun” is all I really ever cared about.
which-
as long as I can support myself as well, (not necessarily via the same “fun” things,)
might not be a bad thing in any sense.

it might even be the most important, more important than success or professionalism.

p.p.s you know, I have long despised the term professionalism, as if people who “are” it are fake and are stiffs? ok, enough, what do you think?

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, Burningman, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Music Theory, Philosophy, Rhythmic Insanity, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized, Wagner

me or others,

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so, a little discussion of what I call
The Zeitgeist Question, which refers, to me, to the notion of am I doing something with myself in mind, or others…

did I miss the day in school where-
where they taught you that when you work for people, yoi ddo what they ask, and not what you want?
or is that not true…
I mean, I have drumset students, kids.
they don’t know what they want or how to get it.
one of them is capable of butchering his way through a song, but if he ever wants to execute it WELL, in tempo, etc, he’s NOT gonna do what HE wants and just play play play, regardless of HOW to play well, so of course, he then needs to do what I say, the way I say it, (bearing in mind which approach I propose works best for him of course, blah blah.)

or am I just incredibly selfish, and never want to work for others, because what they want isn’t interesting to ME?

and why am I different than people who “do it anyway.”

perhaps I am just a selfish twit, only child after all, am I.
perhaps I’m impatient.
perhaps I have things I like.
perhaps a lot of average things just don’t “do it” for me.
perhaps I’m Super impatient.

or perHAPS-

you instead of me are TOO patient,
perhaps you DON’T have things you like, feel strongly about, love, can’t wait for.
perhaps a lot of average things DO “do it” for you.
perhaps you are super patient.

not that I have many “ideas for businesses”, but all the ones I do are usually not about every day things that happen to every day people, things that theoretically would be widespread, but

rather

highly specific things that are interesting to me, not every day things, but highly specific ones relating to me and my weird experience. things that aren’t widespread.

oh WHAT is the matter with me…
or what is the matter with everyone else.
why are we different at all.
and why must I suffer, on the lonely end of the stick so.
awesome as it is, here.

where do others GET the patience to provide a service which they have no interest in? (naturally, if they are poor, or are forced to because of capitalism, yeah that  would make sense… but plenty of people I know are NOT like that, and STILL do things that I find muy boring.)

… seems always like things would be (seems…) so much easier if I just conformed, hid my feelings, bit the bullet and just conformed.  but no.

it wouldn’t be easier, and I must struggle on, as the real me.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Burningman, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), I'm a Crazy Artist, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

a private space

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my favorite places always seem to be big big open ones, with nooks and crannies where you can be alone, but there is always something going on somewhere nearish by, so that there is something big and fun involving people, to do, but that it will go on with or without me, and that I can get away from it easy if I want, and not be surrounded by “just anybody” like in most public places.
 
very few places/spaces seem to qualify as this.
 
CalArts itself seems to be number one, of these.
 
it’s also nice, when said space is like, available always, open at 3am if desired.
 
also nice if it’s full of artsy weirdos who never judge, who, like you, are at any time super engrossed in some super-interesting stuff, to them, i.e, in their own little world.
 
I surely am an introvert in this manner yes.
 
a couple, one, maybe two, coffeehouses capture like 20 percent of this, most don’t at all.
 
really could use some more of such spaces.
 
you too?
 
I’ve had the idea of “building” one, renting parts of it out for cheap, somehow, like a hotel, but cheaper, and “not” making people rent it for a whole day if they only want it for 2 hours.
 
I just don’t feel “safe” around most people or in most places. not physically unsafe, no no, emotionally, in the introvert sense, or maybe the cat one.
ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, African Music, Burningman, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Minimalism, Music, Philosophy, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

You’re Still You/Be Here Now, yes

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… seems easy to become envious, jealous, to see others and think “gee if only “I” had what THEY have… THENNNNN my life would be ok, THEN I could feel good.”

but surely, this MUST be an illusion, and far from the truth, right?

because I know, no matter what others do, no matter how well they treat you, nor how rich you are….

at the end of the day….
in the words of Tyler Durden, though in a different context.
“you’re still YOU.”

YOU with your insecurities and fear and anger, and all the other stuff, better things than negative emotions, I would hope, yes I have them too.”

so it can’t be about
being famous, being rich, or winning a grammy, or being loved by any specific people.
nor anything in the minds of others, and dare I say, nor of any god either.

others don’t have to live with you.
god doesn’t have to live with you either. (that is true whether he exists or not.)

but YOU DO have to live with you.

and there is no escape into being perfect, things being easy if “so and so” were different instead of what is.

it must be the here and now, it must by our knowledge, our experience, our feelings.

that must be it.

breath into it.

this is the universe, it would seem.

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, CalArts (California Institute of the Arts), Frustrations about women 'n' stuff, I'm a Crazy Artist, Philosophy, Politics, Self-Compassion, Self-Helping, Thought of the Day, Uncategorized

no guilt for being normal or human:)

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there are great many things that are no my responsibility, that I have always felt were.

but they are not.

including when, say, I go for a job but do not get it, or a date (yeah, really) or anything not flooded in incredible joy (and comfort) already.

I have long responded to these things feeling guilt and shame, which, I am uh, doing less, for “see above.”

it made me afraid to even try to do or ask for anything, to take ANY risk.

so, I guess I’m becoming freer to take risks now, for, not only do I NOT need to feel any guilt or shame if I fail, for failure is essential and likely, while learning, but I never DID need to feel any.

a belief, stating that I deserved to feel guilt and shame for being less than perfect, which includes feeling immense guilt and shame not only for being less than perfect, but also for making any mistakes, and simply for being human, for being normal…

this belief.

is not only not true now,

but

never was.

a simple misperception of the world and reality, alas.

why?  because I was a tiny little child, and there were scary things in the adult world around me.

see?  therapy is good like this.

as is honesty and determination, it would seem, to improve things, but looking at them and analyzing and comparing and thinking and seeing the truth.  which is of course, that I do not and never did deserve to feel shameful about being less than perfect, about being human, about making mistakes, about being normal.

and, let’s make this controversial.

this sheds light, to me, on religion.

religion would do honorably to

stop shaming people for being human, normal, and teach them that there IS in fact nothing wrong/sinful about being human, rather than, as it does, position itself as a savior and a punisher if you do not “submit” to it.

that’s like a healer or doctor or parent abusing an unknowing and scared child in need of guidance, rather than teaching the child to love themselves, instead of seeing themselves as flawed.

it’s vulture-like, honestly.

I deserve better.

you deserve better.

oh snap.

drops mic.