my it’s easy to compare yourself and get less happy late at night, after encountering others.
lets NOT do that, let’s sleep.
Category Archives: CalArts (California Institute of the Arts)
MAN, relaxing in a social intimate way
MAN, relaxing in a social intimate way one on one, even in a social place, has always been hard for me.
I should say more about this.
soon.
man, cool music really DOES
man, cool music really DOES make me not give a fuck!
a wonderful thing, who needs drugs. I got beats and the blues and dominant sharp 9 chords, bitches.
I don’t seem to know how to have a good time unless I’m acting pretty extreme. (I mean, by OTHER AVERAGE PEOPLE’S STANDARDS, that is
I don’t seem to know how to have a good time unless I’m acting pretty extreme. (I mean, by OTHER AVERAGE PEOPLE’S STANDARDS, that is (according to MY standards, I’m totally normal, and most people are boring, so there.)
I mean when you tone it down…
it’s just no long fun.
it’s exactly the same as why
1. doing something that involves a whole lotta waiting, but only a TINY amount of actual participation/doing, is no fun, and what I really meant to say was
2. when you like things to be rather intense, but then you go and do “not intense” versions of them…. they lose ALL that makes them enjoyable at all.
when you are accustomed to dancing/drumming for 30 minutes, 2 hours,
doing so for 5 minutes is just too little.
when you are accustomed driving 70 or 80 miles an hour (I don’t drive all that fast, actually,)
driving 30 sucks…
when you are accustomed to playing drums, or doing pilates or yoga, to the point when you are sweaty and REALLLLY feeling it….
doing less is just….. lame, man. just lame.
I need people who wanna run with me and fuck shit up, so to speak
and frankly, I gots plenty of em.
lets ride.
well it seems as if I have always been angry.
well it seems as if I have always been angry.
mother has said that I was an angry young child.
(hey, people other kids were dicks, what do you expect.)
I was angry some time ago, I’ve gotten less and less angry, and yet it seems I still am rather angry, even though I have steadily gotten less and less angry.
maybe not about politics, but about, the rest of the stuff (almost all of which is more pertinent than politics.)
I used to HATE myself. I really don’t, as much, now.
fucks sake, from 2005 till like, now, I was real angry. real angry.
not so much now.
and yet.
I am still pretty angry, it seems.
I teacher of mine once said, of one of my musical groups,
“you guys are all angry!”
(BoorBaar Percussion Ensemble doeth thanketh him:)
our music is angry:)
aside from when I’m sleepy…when am I NOT:
-angry, or
-highly charged and energetic (and since when is being those things bad? (it isn’t.)
I’ve seldom let myself be loved
I’ve seldom let myself be loved.
but I have connections to some people.
being understood, appreciated, even loved,
is nice.
and I don’t so much mean in the friendly way, got lots of that, it seems.
always need more of it from SELF, yes, that too.
but there’s a couple people, real few, who do or did seem to love me in a way that IS beyond just friends, and that’s nice.
such thoughts came to me when I heard this song:
track 11, FROM NOW ON.
http://sonanaut.bandcamp.com
it’s real interesting; the itunes playlist this is in says:
“How Tranquil but too easy to cry to…”
that seems to be slowly changing, it does.
instead of crying and feeling like a wounded person, (which I was,)
feeling my immense sadness and sense of loneliness,
now, unless I’m still depressed (it happens)
when I hear something like this,
I envision sharing it with some loving woman, and yet, we’d not be sad, we’d be happy with each other, in some kinda loving peaceful zen-space.
sounds like a nice thing, yes….
today it feels like the high energy me is just some kinda illusion (he’s not, not all the way,) but that there is this, very sensitive, and often quite frightened me, underneath, he is zen-like, peaceful…. introspective, occasionally going for long walks late at night, alone.
it’ll be nice to share such a thing with someone, yes.
I will say its strange being an introvert who is also ADHD and creative and such
I will say its strange being an introvert who is also ADHD and creative and such.
it seems sorta like Robin Williams, where he was doing all these antics, yet seemed very afraid, to be himself, underneath.
I sorta feel similar, somewhat… (but “some” of my ‘antics’ ARE from “down there”, some of them ARE “real”, they just have all this “stuff” “BUILT” “on” them, but their bases, they ARE from deep down, even if some of the degrees to which they have been extended have moved far beyond where they “really” come from, what they “REALLY” are.
I mean, I AM adhd, I AM creative… I DO love music, etc.
it’s not an act, even if we have tried to make “everything” conform to/be based on- it.
it feels like I am sorta afraid of intimacy, without my music and antics and hyper self, particularly the “extended” versions of it/me.
this is all okay, though.
wow, ….
….
….
….
so
wistful
and
dreamy, this music makes me feel.
no longer sad, just…. peace-
ful.
(track 11, From Now On)
http://sonanaut.bandcamp.com
not that I’m old, but the older I get,
not that I’m old, but the older I get, at least in this mood right here right now,
the less participation I want in normal society, for it is just so unspeakably stupid and pathetic, and no one cares. soare me all this boring ordinary stuff. I’d rather be alone with my own thoughts and knowledge, my super fun music and super fun music friends.
had UTTERLY AMAZING ideas tonight, folks.
had UTTERLY AMAZING ideas tonight, folks.
in short, in some ways, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and must stop acting like do, feeling like I should, trying to, and judging myself as If I should.
I need to be a beginner, (which in truth I am) and learn, as a small child might, for I do not yet know enough to even know what I like or what I want, when it comes to some things.
the standards of things about which I DO know what I like, and AM experienced, must NOT be used on these other, inexperienced things, any more.
well, yes, this is the way of things, then.
why should I make people comfortable?
… why the FUCK…
should I make people comfortable?
what the fuck are they doing to make ME comfortable?
not much.
they mediate with generic normalness, (ugh)
which can lead
1. people who are actually cool to behaving as if they are NOT,
2. people who are NOT cool to pretending (and failing in said endeavor) that they ARE (laughable and embarrassing, from my point of view, for them)
no, fuck that.
people should
BE HONEST and BE THEMSELVES
and congregate with those with TRULY THE RIGHT CHEMISTRY, fuck all this ass kissing.
THIS is what makes sense to ME, not them “average people’s social norms.”
call me primitive, go ahead. fuck you.
na, but come the fuck on, just tell the truth, don’t play games and mislead people. be you me, we might love it.
tagged politics cause politicians should do this, and have principles.