ADHD is awesome, mostly.
it’s always a combination, with me,
why I’m different than others.
part of it is always that
2. I was/am VERY afraid of rejection (not in all ways,) and
another part is always that
1. I’m ADHD and was paying attention to DIFFERENT aspects of things, than non-adhd’ers
1a. I’m also real smart, they say. that too.
oh, and
3. sometimes I am simply far more interested in the different aspects than in the uh “normal” ones.
don’t compare yourself, don’t compare.
but I’ve never understood the ease at which other guys seem to engage in conversation with women, all the words flow so easily, I mean, what the fuck are they SAYING…
I don’t understand (don’t compare don’t compare)
how HOW you can find various things other people say interesting…
or why you would do them the disservice of pretending to be interested. to what end, so you can use them for sex?
that doesn’t seem moral to me.
and yet many seem to do it.
JUST don’t get it.
I still think being genuine is important, for some reason.
because I don’t feel I deserve to be normal (that is, dishonest and using?)
no. not that reason.
I don’t how to explain this other (say I’m childish or a narcissist (or smart:)
I find my own thoughts very interesting, and seldom do other things equal those things that I already find interesting.
I don’t want to go back to “less interesting” things once I’ve already found interesting things.
narcissistic? I don’t somehow think so.
my father is like this too. him being this way “was” hurtful when I was little.
I don’t have a kid, nor do I plan on it, so what’s the worry, what’s the worry indeed.
(they tell me that when men have kids, it changes them. we’ll see.)
wait, this entire “conversation” is being caused by my comparing myself to an older guy who has somehow struck up a conversation (the flowing wordy kind which both people “see” interested in,
with a nice looking lady behind me.
I’d be scared to do that, real uncomfortable
DEAR FUCKING GOD
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!”
…
…
not sure anything is.
perhaps I simply don’t like pretending to be interested, perhaps I simply lack patience, to put up with others,
and, the lack of touching notwithstanding,
I’m fine it, perhaps.
big sigh.
gonna die some day.
is it really always gonna be like this?
fuckin A.
bring me a nice woman who shares my interests and is hyper
so that we can play together.
if not, no matter, I’ll just keep playing alone.
it’s not that bad.
I AM VALID BECAUSE I AM ME, NOT BECAUSE I AM PART OF SOMETHING ELSE.
not that being part of something isn’t also nice, but it doesn’t define me, BEING ME does.
tonight with the help of a friend I had the great idea
just try something, even if it won’t be perfect,
even if it’s normal ( come on, you know me )
there’s no guilt or shame to be had if it isn’t perfect, if it’s normal.
just take a step.
cause it’s really ok.
a life lived in fear, like mine.
comes to this now.
THOUGHT of the day, 1 10 2015
(among many many others as always)
I’M NOT interested in determining an appropriate way to behave for the situation I’m in;
I’M interested in BEING in situations appropriate to the way I want to behave.
I’m GONNA behave the way I WANT,
if it’s not appropriate “here”, I’ll go someplace where it IS.
so THERE:)
i.e,
I adjust the form for the content, not the content for the form.
tagged burningman because this “happened” at burningman (2003, 2005, and almost 2015 as well.)
HERE”””’s an idea.
acting like there’s an urgent deadline even when there’s not.
no small challenge for me.
I was always amazed by the behavior of goody-tw-shoes kids who did their homework friday afternoon, rather than sunday night…
perhaps I should try it though….
this whole “oh, bedtime tonight is at 2:20am, and it’s only 9 now, so we can put off anything important for several hours, but then we never get to it” thing is… well, less than productive I do say.
-recognizing when other peoples’s behavior is not a reflection on you at all, is important.
for parents, in various situations, perhaps cultures…
you can that stop imposing your will on others, for how they behave, their instincts, their interests, their modes of expression, are not in fact an expression of much of anything to do with you, but of them.
I find it alarming (though experience of those close to me) that persons should feel guilty through letting others define them.
fucks sake, the hell with the system, and persons your age, define your damn self.
we really ought to teach kids this, instead of what happened to me.
…it’s possible that I am AFRAID of the feeling of boredom, (whatever that means to me.)
I might be afraid to commit (to anything) due to this, including to things that I want, or wanted, or might want, or want in part, at some time.
you might think this is incredibly infantile, and it might indeed be, if it were you, but it’s an integral part of being adhd, for me, I say.
but then yet again,
it might just be a fear that if you lose interest in something, that THAT isn’t ok, and then you’d feel guilty about THAT, and not guilty that you lost interest, but that you didn’t DESERE to lose interest.
…
I really should keep going with this
“I am a good person just because, and I deserve to be normal and human” thing, without qualification…
one minute I’m telling a friend not to let others define him or her, and the next day, my therapist is showing me that I let others define me.
THAT’s me,
1. driving down to WAGNER, (made that up actually, today it was driving down to a phone conversation)
2. listening to JAMES BROWN
3. reading a book about harmony by SCHOENBERG, and
4. going to AFRICAN DRUM class soon.
likely coming home to
5. JAZZ tonight.