ehh, let’s be more positive, yes.
man in spite of my age I am on the fast-track to growing up LAST.
but then, that’s comparing myself unfavorably to others, and it is also giving importance to certain “norms” of behavior…
so what if others do things sooner in life than me(even my younger crazy artist friends,) so what indeed.
they haven’t done what I HAVE.
no one gets to say that the NORMS are more meaningful/important than the things I HAVE DONE.
so there.
so HERE’s a question…no, wait-
“….. now THERE’SSSSSSS a Bat-mannnnnnnnn.”
so, as I was saying…
if I DID like someone, um, aside from playing music, listening to music, talking about music, or having sex…or just talking to them…
what WOULD I want to DO SOCIALLY or anti-socially with them…
do I even KNOW this?
one thing that seems to drive me fucking bananas in a bad way is being in um, social situations that don’t really involve music, or that DO involve um, things unfamiliar and uncomfortable (and also not that interesting too, it should be stated.)
I mean, GOD DAMMIT learning new things SUCKS. (yes, I’m early-teenage-mike here, who never learned anything that most people did, yes. I’m 12. or 8 still, yes.)
AND_
people that I DO seem to like (so few, it seems…)
do I REALLY like them, or are they just so similar to me, and is THAT why I like them….
never ending god damn questions…
seems I really don’t know…
….you shouldn’t just break your back PUSHING into new situations which you may find TERRIFYING and CONFUSING and UPSETTING and OVERWHELMING…. why torture yourself?
surely it’s better to mix in some things that FEEL GOOD and COMFORTABLE and FAMILIAR too. you don’t have to be perfect, or a MARYTR to SELF-SACRIFICE, in spite of any youthful (probably male) feelings of insecurity and need for approval from someone.
…it’s often a little hard to tell whether I simply don’t have enough experience in a field of endeavor,
and/or
I don’t feel like I deserve to even be trying it (not feeling responsible for other people’s emotions surely will help with this)
and/or
I simply don’t WANT the objects of pursuit to begin with.
fuck I hate it when people I know are in relationships. HAHAHA< I know, who the fuck isn’t in one. I hate it when people I like get with others. but then I never approach them in a way that doesn’t wreak of “lets’ just be friends because I’m too unfocused and scared to move.” just think, some day I’ll either 1. stop stopping myself from, um, doing what I want 2. actually get something I want 3. or die first. any might be nice and peaceful. (relax, concerned friends… it’s nothing, I get like this when I get jealous that other people are experiencing things with people that are actually interesting, things that I never focus on nor let myself experience, even if I’d get rejected countless times first.)
quick overview of lessons taught to me tonight:
1. my very definitions and separations of NORMAL and WEIRD are kinda not the right way to go about things.
2. don’t use what my childhood-self perceived as “other people’s standard of normal, particularly if it seems to not really be what I want.
3. sometimes, it is good to “have strategies.”
4. sometimes when you dance with someone, at a certain point, it is appropriate to touch their back, and then attempt to play with their butt, depending on the reaction.
5. the TRUE meaning of “it’s not about me” is not that “my feelings are irrelevant”, but that the highly self-conscious and crippling worrying I (and apparently many people) do is ONLY IN “OUR” HEADS, and that it is in fact about the other person, not your own incessant worrying…, IT, being um, social stuff, I think.
I know all about being guilty for being human and normal, BUT, it wasn’t caused by no religious stuff in my case.
but yeah,
STOP BEING GUILTY ABOUT BEING HUMAN.
IT’S FINE!!!!
don’t think too much about tomorrow, nor worry about yesterday too much,
for
right now is here.
I hear this:
1. an A.A. thing
2. A Buddhist Thing.
3. I KNOW it’s a YODA thing:) Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, act II, when Luke first meets Yoda and the latter admonishes him, saying
“This one, a long time have I watched. All his life, as he looked away to the future, to the horizon… NEVER, his mind on Where. he Was… HM? ? what he was DOING… Hm!.”
hey, here’s why WOMEN, AFRICAN MUSIC and MINIMALISM are tagged in this:
1. being present in the moment, in a relationship, is probably good, and I’m a guy.
2. African Drumming, and Minimalism, particularly in the case of Steve Reich’s music, are all about being in the moment.
I feel like I am a BEAST, and that sometimes I act more like one than others, and on still others I act VERY serious and focused, i.e, like a beast.
if you think you don’t have power, guess what:
you don’t.