I’d not have written my jazz band arrangement, nor my marching arrangements, nor my percussion pieces in the way that I have, if I cared. how can I afford to care?
I care what I want, what I want to learn, and what happens when I do things a certain way, I don’t care for being liked to the extent that I purposefully learn what others have done that have worked.
why should I? such a thought hides “strong” anger within me, strong anger and resentment.
I like to do things MY way.
I don’t need your approval, your love. I have my own.
If I’m not to your taste, well then that is fine, I’m to someones taste, and to mine.
I love myself, and some others do and will love me too, and that’s enough.
Category Archives: Frustrations about women ‘n’ stuff
ehh, let’s be more positive, yes.
not caring about being understood, when-
when caring about being understood, indeed, when being understood, is less important than learning your craft.
I mean, think of a baby, or a child, or a creative adult or something.
a child isn’t concerned with whether anyone will care what it’s doing when it drops, say, a spoon. it’s interested in GRAVITY and HOW IT WORKS, and the results of it’s actions, not others.
-about music, and compromising and doing things in good enough ways, rather than the HONEST kind, where “I” am EXPERIMENTING, and LEARNING what doesn’t work and WHY….
why would I care to make things allegedly easy for typical people to understand?
why not indulge my curiosity and fancy?
if I cared about that, I’d just write boring block chords instead of TRYING things, to SEE what HAPPENS.
most uncreative, simply obedient.
why be that way?
I shall not, and am not.
(this was specifically about composing, music at that, and that there have been times when I have written chords “my” way, not the conventional way, or have orchestrated things in a way that seems interesting TO ME< NOW, and not in some “accepted” way.
I mean, really, why should I care if others “approve” of what I’m doing?
I’M BUSY “LEARNING” HERE!!!
don’t let others define you
don’t let others define you, they don’t have you in mind.
the difference in fantasy and reality…
the difference in fantasy and reality…
concerns be a tad.
I just hope… that people don’t grow up, or go into something real, expecting it to be like their fantasy has been, be it a real relationship versus pornography, or actually being famous, versus what it “seems” like being famous much be like, or actually winning the lottery versus how wonderful the idea of millions of dollars “seems.”
make no mistake.
this is reality, right here, right now.
this is your mind, your feelings, your body.
get to know them good and make THEM feel and be good.
there is no “escape” to perfection.
you’re still you.
be a good you.
(there “are” exceptions; I wouldn’t want to be an a place in which I cannot concentrate versus one in which I can, nor a school full of cockroaches versus a clean one, but you get the point.)
no matter what happens to you
no matter what happens to you, no matter what you do, no matter who does or doesn’t love you-
YOU’RE STILL YOU.
make
YOURSELF happy and loved, BY YOURSELF.
nothing else will do it “instead.”
sometimes fear, others disinterest
sometimes…
sometimes I left fear cause me to not experience, or ask for things, which sometimes leads to me not even knowing that such things exist to be asked for or experienced.
other times I’m simply not interested in the typical way of doing them at all, or I’m not interested in things or people I deem boring, and don’t care to compromise.
sometimes the reason for lack of experience is fear
others it’s simply disinterest.
sometimes one is afraid of something;
others they simply don’t want (this version of) it.
keep these clear.
don’t compare yourself, don’t compare jan2016
don’t compare yourself, don’t compare.
but I’ve never understood the ease at which other guys seem to engage in conversation with women, all the words flow so easily, I mean, what the fuck are they SAYING…
I don’t understand (don’t compare don’t compare)
how HOW you can find various things other people say interesting…
or why you would do them the disservice of pretending to be interested. to what end, so you can use them for sex?
that doesn’t seem moral to me.
and yet many seem to do it.
JUST don’t get it.
I still think being genuine is important, for some reason.
because I don’t feel I deserve to be normal (that is, dishonest and using?)
no. not that reason.
I don’t how to explain this other (say I’m childish or a narcissist (or smart:)
I find my own thoughts very interesting, and seldom do other things equal those things that I already find interesting.
I don’t want to go back to “less interesting” things once I’ve already found interesting things.
narcissistic? I don’t somehow think so.
my father is like this too. him being this way “was” hurtful when I was little.
I don’t have a kid, nor do I plan on it, so what’s the worry, what’s the worry indeed.
(they tell me that when men have kids, it changes them. we’ll see.)
wait, this entire “conversation” is being caused by my comparing myself to an older guy who has somehow struck up a conversation (the flowing wordy kind which both people “see” interested in,
with a nice looking lady behind me.
I’d be scared to do that, real uncomfortable
DEAR FUCKING GOD
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!”
…
…
not sure anything is.
perhaps I simply don’t like pretending to be interested, perhaps I simply lack patience, to put up with others,
and, the lack of touching notwithstanding,
I’m fine it, perhaps.
big sigh.
gonna die some day.
is it really always gonna be like this?
fuckin A.
bring me a nice woman who shares my interests and is hyper
so that we can play together.
if not, no matter, I’ll just keep playing alone.
it’s not that bad.
I AM VALID BECAUSE I AM ME
I AM VALID BECAUSE I AM ME, NOT BECAUSE I AM PART OF SOMETHING ELSE.
not that being part of something isn’t also nice, but it doesn’t define me, BEING ME does.
just try something, even if it won’t be perfect
tonight with the help of a friend I had the great idea
just try something, even if it won’t be perfect,
even if it’s normal ( come on, you know me )
there’s no guilt or shame to be had if it isn’t perfect, if it’s normal.
just take a step.
cause it’s really ok.
a life lived in fear, like mine.
comes to this now.
Gender Roles?
Gender Roles?
…
I’m against Any system that discourages men from being honest with their feelings, and encourages women to feel guilty about being sexual, or alive, even.
I just overheard some teenage girls telling another “not to respond at all” to a guy she liked, cause it would make her seem like she was too into it.
I don’t approve of this.
say what you will about it.
and go fuck yourself if you defend it.
Fuck Gender Roles.
#fuckgenderroles