Category Archives: CalArts (California Institute of the Arts)

the difference in fantasy and reality…

the difference in fantasy and reality…
concerns be a tad.

I just hope… that people don’t grow up, or go into something real, expecting it to be like their fantasy has been, be it a real relationship versus pornography, or actually being famous, versus what it “seems” like being famous much be like, or actually winning the lottery versus how wonderful the idea of millions of dollars “seems.”

make no mistake.
this is reality, right here, right now.
this is your mind, your feelings, your body.
get to know them good and make THEM feel and be good.
there is no “escape” to perfection.

you’re still you.
be a good you.

(there “are” exceptions; I wouldn’t want to be an a place in which I cannot concentrate versus one in which I can, nor a school full of cockroaches versus a clean one, but you get the point.)

“promotes the advancement of inferior tones”

so I just read in a Schoenberg book, on page 6, (I read such books very slowly, for when they end… the fun is gone, so of course, draw it out…)

the term

“promotes the advancement of INFERIOR TONES.”
!


that of course shows a bias not unbefitting classical harmony of the olden days,
a bias towards things making “sense” in the old sense, and in traditional hierarchies, sort of like gender roles, or any other system of judging people’s worth by how they compare to “some other” people, or worse, how well they “conform” to some “system.”

fyi, fuck such things.

so

MY POINT is the following thought, is my reaction to that quote from Schoenberg, WHICH IS:

regarding the advancement of inferior tones, or superior ones, or even the labeling of tones as superior or inferior,

on the notion whether advancing an inferior tone is some kind of bad thing unless done in a certain context…(grrr, my anger is barely beneath the surface, for many reasons…)

“That Depends,
on whether you wish to
1. submit to the system, defining yourself by it
2. work within the system, albeit a bit less subserviently than option #1
3. gradually move to change the system, or
4. DESTROY IT, or, at least,
4a. NOT USE IT and use SOME OTHER SYSTEM more fitting to YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS.

this reminds me of a quote, I think….. no, just a saying, from some book, which said that debate on the following subject had raged since “EMMERSON.”, R.W. (off hand, don’t even know without google when he was…)
something like:
“what do artists owe society, and what does our society owe artists?

that’s not the quote, only sorta…

BUT ANYWAY:

I’m partial to options 4 and 4a, myself.

no matter what happens to you

no matter what happens to you, no matter what you do, no matter who does or doesn’t love you-
YOU’RE STILL YOU.

make
YOURSELF happy and loved, BY YOURSELF.
nothing else will do it “instead.”

… I think it’s official

… I think it’s official, I do not like BEING in suburbia, or any other place where things shut down and feel dead any time before midnight, hopefully later.
 
whenever I am in a hustling bustling environment, (near ucla, or in hollywood, or calarts on a thursday night) I feel like actually doing things…
 
for some reason I like the sense that there are many things goin on all around, and that they will keep happening all night, long after I
 
1. keep going on my thing WAY longer than only one or two hours, and
2. way past when I “DO” move on to something/someplace else.
 
what do you suppose this is?
 
personally, I think I’m
 
1. Sensitive, and
2. Like Stimulation.
 
you?
 
P.S. I think I DO like “sleeping” in suburbia though
p.p.s   yes, it seems I like to cozy up and concentrate on whatever I’m doing (with my computer, or paper and pens) in such places (and headphones, never forget them.  or at least Live Jazz.)

sometimes fear, others disinterest

sometimes…
sometimes I left fear cause me to not experience, or ask for things, which sometimes leads to me not even knowing that such things exist to be asked for or experienced.

other times I’m simply not interested in the typical way of doing them at all, or I’m not interested in things or people I deem boring, and don’t care to compromise.

sometimes the reason for lack of experience is fear
others it’s simply disinterest.

sometimes one is afraid of something;
others they simply don’t want (this version of) it.

keep these clear.

it’s always a combination, with me

it’s always a combination, with me,
why I’m different than others.

part of it is always that

2. I was/am VERY afraid of rejection (not in all ways,) and
another part is always that
1. I’m ADHD and was paying attention to DIFFERENT aspects of things, than non-adhd’ers
1a. I’m also real smart, they say. that too.

oh, and

3. sometimes I am simply far more interested in the different aspects than in the uh “normal” ones.

don’t compare yourself, don’t compare jan2016

don’t compare yourself, don’t compare.
but I’ve never understood the ease at which other guys seem to engage in conversation with women, all the words flow so easily, I mean, what the fuck are they SAYING…

I don’t understand (don’t compare don’t compare)
how HOW you can find various things other people say interesting…
or why you would do them the disservice of pretending to be interested. to what end, so you can use them for sex?

that doesn’t seem moral to me.
and yet many seem to do it.

JUST don’t get it.
I still think being genuine is important, for some reason.

because I don’t feel I deserve to be normal (that is, dishonest and using?)
no. not that reason.

:)
I don’t how to explain this other (say I’m childish or a narcissist (or smart:)
I find my own thoughts very interesting, and seldom do other things equal those things that I already find interesting.
I don’t want to go back to “less interesting” things once I’ve already found interesting things.

narcissistic? I don’t somehow think so.
my father is like this too. him being this way “was” hurtful when I was little.
I don’t have a kid, nor do I plan on it, so what’s the worry, what’s the worry indeed.

(they tell me that when men have kids, it changes them. we’ll see.)

wait, this entire “conversation” is being caused by my comparing myself to an older guy who has somehow struck up a conversation (the flowing wordy kind which both people “see” interested in,
with a nice looking lady behind me.

I’d be scared to do that, real uncomfortable
DEAR FUCKING GOD
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!”


not sure anything is.

perhaps I simply don’t like pretending to be interested, perhaps I simply lack patience, to put up with others,
and, the lack of touching notwithstanding,
I’m fine it, perhaps.

big sigh.

gonna die some day.

is it really always gonna be like this?

fuckin A.

bring me a nice woman who shares my interests and is hyper

so that we can play together.
if not, no matter, I’ll just keep playing alone.

it’s not that bad.

just try something, even if it won’t be perfect

tonight with the help of a friend I had the great idea

just try something, even if it won’t be perfect,
even if it’s normal ( come on, you know me )
there’s no guilt or shame to be had if it isn’t perfect, if it’s normal.
just take a step.
cause it’s really ok.

a life lived in fear, like mine.
comes to this now.