well it seems as if I have always been angry.
mother has said that I was an angry young child.
(hey, people other kids were dicks, what do you expect.)
I was angry some time ago, I’ve gotten less and less angry, and yet it seems I still am rather angry, even though I have steadily gotten less and less angry.
maybe not about politics, but about, the rest of the stuff (almost all of which is more pertinent than politics.)
I used to HATE myself. I really don’t, as much, now.
fucks sake, from 2005 till like, now, I was real angry. real angry.
not so much now.
and yet.
I am still pretty angry, it seems.
I teacher of mine once said, of one of my musical groups,
“you guys are all angry!”
(BoorBaar Percussion Ensemble doeth thanketh him:)
our music is angry:)
aside from when I’m sleepy…when am I NOT:
-angry, or
-highly charged and energetic (and since when is being those things bad? (it isn’t.)
Category Archives: Philosophy
philosophy
I’ve seldom let myself be loved
I’ve seldom let myself be loved.
but I have connections to some people.
being understood, appreciated, even loved,
is nice.
and I don’t so much mean in the friendly way, got lots of that, it seems.
always need more of it from SELF, yes, that too.
but there’s a couple people, real few, who do or did seem to love me in a way that IS beyond just friends, and that’s nice.
such thoughts came to me when I heard this song:
track 11, FROM NOW ON.
http://sonanaut.bandcamp.com
it’s real interesting; the itunes playlist this is in says:
“How Tranquil but too easy to cry to…”
that seems to be slowly changing, it does.
instead of crying and feeling like a wounded person, (which I was,)
feeling my immense sadness and sense of loneliness,
now, unless I’m still depressed (it happens)
when I hear something like this,
I envision sharing it with some loving woman, and yet, we’d not be sad, we’d be happy with each other, in some kinda loving peaceful zen-space.
sounds like a nice thing, yes….
today it feels like the high energy me is just some kinda illusion (he’s not, not all the way,) but that there is this, very sensitive, and often quite frightened me, underneath, he is zen-like, peaceful…. introspective, occasionally going for long walks late at night, alone.
it’ll be nice to share such a thing with someone, yes.
I will say its strange being an introvert who is also ADHD and creative and such
I will say its strange being an introvert who is also ADHD and creative and such.
it seems sorta like Robin Williams, where he was doing all these antics, yet seemed very afraid, to be himself, underneath.
I sorta feel similar, somewhat… (but “some” of my ‘antics’ ARE from “down there”, some of them ARE “real”, they just have all this “stuff” “BUILT” “on” them, but their bases, they ARE from deep down, even if some of the degrees to which they have been extended have moved far beyond where they “really” come from, what they “REALLY” are.
I mean, I AM adhd, I AM creative… I DO love music, etc.
it’s not an act, even if we have tried to make “everything” conform to/be based on- it.
it feels like I am sorta afraid of intimacy, without my music and antics and hyper self, particularly the “extended” versions of it/me.
this is all okay, though.
wow, ….
….
….
….
so
wistful
and
dreamy, this music makes me feel.
no longer sad, just…. peace-
ful.
(track 11, From Now On)
http://sonanaut.bandcamp.com
not that I’m old, but the older I get,
not that I’m old, but the older I get, at least in this mood right here right now,
the less participation I want in normal society, for it is just so unspeakably stupid and pathetic, and no one cares. soare me all this boring ordinary stuff. I’d rather be alone with my own thoughts and knowledge, my super fun music and super fun music friends.
had UTTERLY AMAZING ideas tonight, folks.
had UTTERLY AMAZING ideas tonight, folks.
in short, in some ways, I don’t know what I’m talking about, and must stop acting like do, feeling like I should, trying to, and judging myself as If I should.
I need to be a beginner, (which in truth I am) and learn, as a small child might, for I do not yet know enough to even know what I like or what I want, when it comes to some things.
the standards of things about which I DO know what I like, and AM experienced, must NOT be used on these other, inexperienced things, any more.
well, yes, this is the way of things, then.
rather depressed, mopey moody thoughts in association with one of my big challenges about which I am perpetually discouraged
so many years…. so little has changed, though I guess some things have, and are, and some day we’ll all die, yes…
hows that for a grave opening.
boy, 30 hours have gone buy, I only slept 6 (not 8) of them…
boy, it really does hurt when I am reminded that life seems indeed to have some wonderful things to offer, things that other people have been doing forever,
things that I am simply not engaged in nor trying to learn.
things I will have to engage in and learn, if they are to happen.
not because I am a coward, no,
but simply because I am terrified and always have been.
I know… I know….
….
just learn them, baby steps.
why didn’t I do this the last 5, 10, 15, 20 years…
(I know why…)
the second best time to plant a tree…
…
it’s humiliating to be beginner at something that most people already know.
Yeah I’m great at this and that, yeah yeah.
sigh when if ever will I just do the work and …
I hate people, they’re so scary.
I can’t defend myself from them with music.
that just leads to music.
I love music.
but it’s not enough.
why should I make people comfortable?
… why the FUCK…
should I make people comfortable?
what the fuck are they doing to make ME comfortable?
not much.
they mediate with generic normalness, (ugh)
which can lead
1. people who are actually cool to behaving as if they are NOT,
2. people who are NOT cool to pretending (and failing in said endeavor) that they ARE (laughable and embarrassing, from my point of view, for them)
no, fuck that.
people should
BE HONEST and BE THEMSELVES
and congregate with those with TRULY THE RIGHT CHEMISTRY, fuck all this ass kissing.
THIS is what makes sense to ME, not them “average people’s social norms.”
call me primitive, go ahead. fuck you.
na, but come the fuck on, just tell the truth, don’t play games and mislead people. be you me, we might love it.
tagged politics cause politicians should do this, and have principles.
changing the pre-planned order of a song is awesome
changing the pre-planned order of a song, in live performance, keeps things lively but also keeps them (the band) rather nervous.”
so said DON ELLIS, (paraphrased here.)
“but also keeps them rather nervous.”
a new piece I am playing does exactly that.
I am feeling that more music should, it’s just too fun.
in one gig of this piece (2nd ever, I think)
there were some sexy dancers dancing along with us, and in THIS tune, I HAD to “not look at them”, lest I miss a cue and louse it up
Tagged AFRICAN because this technique sorta comes from African (West) Drumming.
“!somebody help me! I’M BEING SPONTANEOUS!!!”
-the truman show
body clock > caffeine (sp)
I awoke at 8:20 am today… for some reason, left home real early to work on stuff… HOURS earlier than I usually put my mind to anything important than isn’t being RUN by OTHER PEOPLE (in the morning, and early afternoon, that is.)
suddenly, even though I drank coffee 3 HOURS ago, now, that it’s 3pm, BOOOOM!!!!
I”VE GOT TONS OF ENERGY!!! WHAT THE HELL! (happy, just funny)
Brazilian Music (a song called MAGIA by BANDA BLACK RIO) is responsible as well.
I guess you shouldn’t put up walls between yourself and others
I guess you shouldn’t put up walls between yourself and others, even if it was other people in your childhood who put them up, forcibly, and you just accepted them because you thought they were real (indeed, they kinda were,) (the matrix again)
you shouldn’t minimize yourself in such a way, for example:
“so and so (a woman who is sexually attractive) wouldn’t date me because she has dated “this guy” or “that guy” and I’m nothing like those guys.
I bet- after many years of empy loneliness oh god,
that that simply ain’t true. I must have what women want.
yes that.
geez this makes me nervous hahahaaaa