making things about yourself, taking them personally.
one doesn’t need to do this, but there are reasons it happens.
examining them is good,
and let’s remember that
the fact that one shouldn’t take things personally, does not invalidate the feelings you have which led you to do so.
let us not call ourselves a bad person and judge ourselves, let’s be nice to ourselves, for if you take things personally, you are already hurting and need help with addressing those feelings, you need compassion, from yourself yes, other too perhaps, you don’t need judgement or punishment, they just increase the feelings and make you resentful and worse, no no, you need self-compassion.
in this case.
Monthly Archives: April 2015
grinding process musical composition thoughts….
shapes, musical shapes… of pieces…. hmmm….
is it event-based….
is it minimalist…
or is it minimalist-TEXTured, with events nonetheless….
which kinda….
maybe reduces if not defeats, the purpose of it not being full-blown minimalist….
so many questions…
and perhaps none of them matter…
“if it sounds good to you, it’s bichen.”
-frank zappa
but is it sounding good to you the ONLY thing that matters….
grr…..
I give orders
I don’t understand the proverbial CLERK, or GRUNT.
I ain’t the type be like “yes sir.” I’m the type who
1. if I don’t like something, I won’t even want to be there Ideally speaking.
2. if I AM there, I’ll either be GIVING the orders, or
3. adding my 60 cents (much more than two) whenever I see fit.
IT SEEMS I HAVE LEADERSHIP SKILLS! HAHAHAAAA!!!!
I say I don’t “underSTAND” them because I simply am not one, I mean.
a nifty aspect of harmony
well, one nifty aspect of hearing music from a long time ago in your life (high school wind-ensemble music, to be precise)
is recognizing certain harmonies, that you simply hadn’t learned about that.
such as a DbM7 chord, in c minor…didn’t know about M7 chords yet, nor those a half step above the root in a minor key:)
piece is
MASQUE by W. Francis Mcbeth (didn’t even know this piece was by him, Just remembered a piece called Masque, from ages ago, that I liked and never had found.)
not asking and not getting
sigh, I wonder what other people are asking for…. I wonder what I could be asking for…. that I’m not….
now it is a depressing night, yes.
blkahblah, you should ask for things, or you won’t get them (from whomever, the universe, whatever)
when other people get them, I guess they asked, or whatever, who knows.
wonder if I believe I’ll get or have nothing, and wonder if I do in fact have nothing, and wonder if I am somehow causing it to happen, not happen, to me. blah blah
sensitive, fearful, brave, yes
sigh, WELL
being one of the most sensitive, fearful (and brave, yes, they tell me) people
is crazy sometimes. you’re not supposed SUPPOSED to compare yourself negatively to others, but it’s hard not too. almost ALL of them, either seem to have perfect lives, or have ALWAYS seemed to, even 15 years ago, and those that had “apparent challenges” have nonetheless moved WAY past them, even though these people are like 10 or more years younger than you, if they ever had them at all.
yes, there “are” ” a very few” friends who clearly, like me, DO still have such challenges. I just counted you. I count TEN. everyone else, nope.
but what do I know, really. everyone else “does” have challenges, and of course their lives aren’t perfect, though hell they sure seem to me….
let’s change tone from “already fluctuating between genuine and sarcastic and resentful” to
thoughtful….
…
no, I am not in these people’s heads. perhaps they ARE unhappy, perhaps they DO wish for what I have, yes.
ok, hell with it, let’s stay happy, there’s things to do after all…
musico-rhythmic interest in minimalist and not
here we go again…. 4 21 15…
what
DOES….
musical interest in a piece
COME from (a piece that happens to be for non-melodic percussion of course.)
ON TALEOLOGY, “EVENTS”, MINIMALISM, MUSICAL INTEREST…
except I’ve nothing to say, as the endless thoughts I’ve had are all unbounded and disconnected and would make no sense would take two many rambling words to even try to say as of yet….
and it’s all TASTE in the end, anyhow…
this somehow reminds me of the skepticism of David Hume… yes?
(I’ll have much more to say about this, but not yet…)
conscientiousness…
conscientiousness, or what might be referred to (by a buncha JERKS,) as “executive function” (seriously GO TO HELL if you come at me with that)
seems pretty tough for me a lot of the time. there’s just TOO MANY things I want and need to do.
only relief seems to be when I somehow actually start one of them, or when other people are doing one that I want to be a part of.
Ritalin’s not an option (long story.)
took Strattera once. NOT a pleasant experience. I mean, I didn’t want to do or care about ANYTHING while on it. it was like cutting of a guys balls so that he won’t get an erection and freak out women. no no.
I am not all that into the idea of such meds (long story.)
I am more into, and this is very difficult to actuate, I must say
simply not surrounding myself with distractions (this is why I don’t have a smart phone,) and just BEING around very few things, ONE if possible. assuming that I have eaten and slept enough, and have made enough money too (these together are simply too tough, man) and AND
have GOTTEN enough HIGH STIMULATION such that I DON’T seek to turn all manner of low-stimulation things INTO high ones. that NEVER works, and can waste entire days. I mean, iMAGine trying to take something that’s super mundane, and doing it over and over such that ypu hope, foolishly, that the repeated uses of it ADD UP to the stimulation and life-vitality, of say, a SINGLE experience of playing a little music, or talking to someone. like trying to build a mountain with specks of stand. you’d be better if you started with really big rocks.
things I like or things I need, or both
… never really have figured out the balance, if there is to be one,
between
doing things to survive if I personally can’t stand em…
I mean, where to even START from…
there’s so many options, you could
do something you hate, and just tolerate it (yeah, and I could torture myself too.)
you could do things you love and try to get payed (doing that, haven’t starved yet, probably should have.)
or you could, FAR more challenging for a perfectionistic adhder who
a. doesn’t observe
b. nor understand
c. nor agree with
other people’s ways of doing things, (and other people’s thoughts,) in general.
you could, far more difficult, try to come up with some kinda mixture… but where to start…. and when to judge and evaluate and reevaluate, harder to answer, Yoda-San, yes…
sometimes just taking step by step
sometimes just taking step by step, rather than worrying about a grand design… is just the right thing…
it even feels good, to actually DO one little thing, instead of just thinking about the MILLIONS of things you want/need to do.
the life of a procrastinator, ah yes